I'm contemplating my involvement in the black arts. I mean, there must be some way, through some dark evil mojo, that I can set the flame of my trusty Zippo to my Century 16 Bicentennial Man movie stub and get my $7 back. I'm sure it involves stinky herbs and chanting in Latin and maybe sacrificing a she-goat, but I figure it's worth it, even if all I can get back is my money and not the two hours I spent in the theater.
To be fair, my movie-going experience was not optimal. There were a storm on the way, so I didn't drive all the way out to my favorite theater where they have mini-golf and a little rollercoaster and stadium seating. I ended up going to a nearer complex which had no parking, huge crowds, and employees who didn't see the value of cleaning the theaters between movies. During the showing that I attended, there were three babies who took turns crying, two pre-teens who did some tag-team screaming, and an old lady in the seat directly in front of mine who must've gone skinny-dipping in a vat of Old Spice before arriving to see the movie.
Things only went downhill from there.
The film itself, based on the original short story by Isaac Asimov, is the tale of the life of a robot (Robin Williams). It takes us through the robot's existence, from the time he arrives to serve as something of a servant to the Martin family to the end of his life. Through the progress of it, the robot, who is given the name "Andrew", takes it upon himself to evolve into a more human creation. There's a lot of talk about the wonder of humanity and other such nonsense, but I think it's really because he wants to get laid.
Eventually, through technology that Andrews helps to create, he becomes more and more human, and finally devises a way to "grow old" alongside the woman he falls in love with. It sounds sweet, but it actually comes off more as pathetic. Andrew starts as purely machine, so he's immortal (factoring in the occasional maintenance and muffler repair). As a result, we end up seeing our way through three generations of the Martin family, and none of them are really on screen long enough for us to care who they are or what their motivations may be. Andrew himself doesn't possess much dimension, either, although he's the focus of the movie. We get that he's an android with feelings. We get that he's trying to find himself and he wants to be more human. We don't get much of the why, though, and lacking that he seems rather inhuman: his actions come off as something he does without knowing why, which doesn't help the audience to think of him as the human being he wants to be.
Though it clocked in at over two hours of inanity and obviously wanted be a grand epic, it still didn't manage to touch on every problem with society and humanity, which is the only goal I can figure out for the flick. There's deep discussion and boring monologues on sex, love, personality, awareness, humanity, and every other socially-conscious topic that anybody on the film's staff could think of. By the time the credits rolled I was gagging from having the movie's misguided, scatterbrained themes shoved down my throat, and I was surprised they hadn't bothered to flash "CRY NOW" cues on the screen so the audience would know when they were supposed to be overwhelmed by the staggering emotion of the piece. I don't know about anyone else, but I was deeply affected by Andrew's sorrow over all those sperm that die in the course of human reproduction. In fact, I'm pondering starting up a "Save the Sperm" campaign!
In the end, Bicentennial Man comes off as nothing more than a showcase for "futuristic" furniture and fashions. The effects, although well-done, are used very subtly, so you almost forget that they're there, and they're often overshadowed by the lame futuristic "styles". (Is it so wrong of me to envision a future where clothes are still something you can sit down in?) The fact that the effects are probably the most well-utilized factor in the film doesn't speak well for the for the storyline.
From the PG rating and the sappy cheese factor, I gather that the film was intended for kids. At least, I hope so. They might enjoy it, though if their attention spans are even worse than mine, they'll be bored to death. But it's got all those moral messages, so it might be just the thing for those who want their kids to feed on a mental diet of something more than Teletubbies. You just don't want to be the unfortunate adult who's roped into playing movie chaperone.
DROOL FACTOR: Robin Williams is kinda cute, I guess. And Oliver Platt's cool. But as far as attractiveness goes, they've both got that "middle-aged guy next door with a wife and two kids" quality. Sure, they might possess some attraction, but you don't spend your time imagining a torrid love affair with either of them. Sam Neill ain't half bad, though.
GROSS-OUT FACTOR: None, really, other than the occasional reproduction or flatulence humor, which I know I could've done without.
STRONG CHICK FACTOR: Since none of the characters in the movie are really fully formed, I'd say there weren't any strong chicks, though most women in the movie manage to hold their own in the professional sense. You will, however, experience a strong desire to dismantle the female robot.
-- Lisa Kincaid
Bicentennial Man is currently playing in theaters.
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