As I have learned from years of watching Millennium, one of the leading signs of the apocalypse is the arrival of the Four Horsemen. According to that series, and the Bible, these horsemen are symbols of the earthly world signifying pain, war, civil strife and death. Unfortunately, no theologian has of yet prescribed a name to any of these beings, but now, here, in the 11th Hour review column, I'd like to change that. For I have come up with four completely appropriate, fitting cognomens that utterly define the end of the world as we know it. And they are...
Jean.
Claude.
Van.
Damme.
And don't even try to tell me that Jean-Claude is only one word. That's just what He wants you think.
To say that Cyborg, the saga of a post-apocalyptic era starring the Dammed One, is one of the worst sci-fi films ever made would be misleading, because one cannot really deem this a film at all. I would instead describe it as a portent. Set in the twenty-first century (which we are living in right now), Cyborg sets the scene for a most haunting existence of doom, demise, and the indomitable perseverance of late 1980s hair. Consider this dark introduction:
"When it seemed nothing could get worse, we got the plague. Restore it? Why?! I like the death! I like the misery! I like this world!"
That brooding soliloquy is spoken by the evil Fender Tremolo, a nefarious individual resembling a reject from a WWF casting call. Since the world has kinda sorta ended, Fender has taken advantage of the post-plague era by reeking havoc upon the remaining dregs of society. He likes the death, likes the misery, and likes this wor-oh, wait you already knew that. (You'll have to excuse me, I just watched Cyborg.) He also likes to beat the crap out of Jean-Claude Van Damme. Therefore, I like Fender Tremolo.
The Dammed One plays a man known by the name of Gibson Rickenbacker. If the fact that the man described on the video box as "The First Hero of the 21st Century... And Our Only Hope" is named Gibson Rickenbacker doesn't disturb you, the When Harry Met Sally Met the Apocalypse hairstyles of this movie will. Though humanity, food, and decent dialogue have been largely wiped out, the hairspray supply remains bountiful, as seen in title character Pearl Prophet, otherwise known as the Cyborg.
Jean-Claude's mission is to save the Cyborg from the many murderous rebels running around the large cardboard movie sets that are all that remain of Earth. He must battle Fender Tremolo, who is trying to kill him. I was never very clear as to exactly why, but the fact that he is Jean-Claude Van Damme seems reason enough. Fender is an ample opponent for the Dammed One, however, and at one point succeeds in actually crucifying him. Jean-Claude, of course, escapes by sheer will and brawn alone, saves the girl, and outwits the bad guys. The message is clear: If only Christ had known how to kick-box, how different our world would be! Long fear the reign of the Dammed One -- this apocalypse in filmmaking began in 1989.
DROOL FACTOR: Anyone have a midi file containing loud, derisive laughter? Because really, that's the only thing that would suffice here. And remain within the realm of the law.
GROSS-OUT FACTOR: Cyborg is currently available on video.
STRONG CHICK FACTOR: See Drool Factor, above.
-- Sarah Kendzior
Cyborg is currently available on video. Beware!
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