That's it. I have officially decided. I am going into cryogenic suspension.

Okay, it's an odd decision, I admit that. But I have considered this carefully. It is no mere whim. You can call me peculiar, even call me unbalanced, but, baby, I have seen the future, and I want to be there when it happens.

So I've got to get me into stasis before I turn thirty.

See, in the future -- after the war and the famine and the pestilence that less-foresighted individuals than myself will have to endure -- life will be just peachy. A climate-controlled, comfortingly mall-like City. Colour-coded outfits. Unrelentingly beautiful people. Free love, free shows, free jewelry...

Wait. Let me back up a bit.

In the Year of the City 2274, (and you can tell it's the seventies 'cause people wear kaftans) there shall be a computer to regulate the lives, and deaths, of every WASPy individual living within its domain. The hand of every baby shall be implanted with a stylish disc-shaped jewel -- a life-clock -- and everyone will wear clothes that reflect their life-clock's colour (thus avoiding the painful confusion caused by having to judge a person's age-group for yourself.) Yellow will mean pre-teen, green will mean jailbait, and red... well, red will mean all grown up... and just about to die. On the upside, it'll be utopia till the age of thirty. Life will be easy, money will be plentiful, and entertainment will be violent. Okay, sure, so you'll die a spectacularly flamey death while floating in the air above a big carousel-type thing, but there's always the potential for life-renewal, and, really, it seems a small price to pay.

Until, lo, there shall come a man who will fuck it up for everyone.

His name shall be Logan, a cop by profession, and he shall be played by Michael York. It will be Logan's job, as a "Sandman," to track down and stop those unnatural souls who resist the temptation of being turned into human fireworks. From one such ungrateful specimen Logan shall retrieve an unusual piece of jewelry. And then all will go to hell. 'Cause on the next day, when he takes this artifact in to the City's omniscient Computer, he will be unable to identify it. This despite the fact that he previously saw the symbol prominently displayed around the neck of the chick (Jenny Agutter) with whom he had intended dalliance the night before. Did I mention that there was a chick?

The Computer will then prove that it runs on some descendant of Windows when it tells Logan that the symbol is an ankh, which means sanctuary; that there is a place outside the City called Sanctuary; and that he must find Sanctuary to punish the evil runaways who have taken sanctuary in... er... Sanctuary. Evil runaways who had not, as it turns out, had their lives "renewed." Then, with his faith compromised, and everything he has ever believed in revealed as a lie, the Computer will take four irretrievable years off Logan's life-clock, leaving him on the brink of death, and proceed to send him to do its bidding.

Oh, yeah. Now there's a computer that won't be outwitted at the end of the movie.

Nevertheless, Logan shall recall the ankh belonging to his inamorata of the night before, and will seek her. She will betray him, and then un-betray him, and then lead him a merry dance before, finally, with Logan's best-of-best-buds (Richard Jordan) at their inappropriately-clad heels, they will escape into the great unknown.

Their adventures from then on will be legion. They shall defeat the menacing Mr. Freeze-like Mirrorball-robot, survive the terrifying attack of the Newt, and will make it, at last, to a ruined city where once a big pointy building overlooked an immaculately kept lake, and a monument thing still houses the huge statue of some guy with a beard and a top hat. Hmmm. Can't imagine where that could be.

They will meet there nary a soul, excepting crazy ol' nameless Peter Ustinov. They will also meet his many cats (and it's good to know that, though the race of man be all-but destroyed, cats will survive. I was worried about that.) Logan and the chick, Jessica 6 by name, will thence discover that Sanctuary is no more than a place from which interns once launched careers as spokesmodels, and, just as they decide to take their knowledge back to the City, Francis 7, that best-of-best-buds, will arrive. Logan (5, to be technical), incensed at how much better his comrade's jumpsuit held up to the rigours of the journey than his own, shall then fight him off, and he... well... no, I can't bear to say.

Taking crazy ol' cat guy with them, Logan and Jessica will then journey back to the City -- but are they relieved to once again be within the loving arms of Big Brother -- or Sister, as is the case here? No, of course not! Instead, they are destined to become grandstanders, and get captured, after which treacherous Logan will be ruthlessly interrogated by the light-flashy Computer.

Actually, I've gotta say, this future Computer is so sucky it's gotta be running UNIX. 'Cause when Logan reveals the truth of the runaways (frozen by the Mirrorball), and Sanctuary (cat-infested), it is so unable to accept these facts that it has a conniption, and sets enough sparks flying for it to be a console on the bridge of the Starship Enterprise.

I guess they just don't make omniscient Computers the way they used to. It's called a surge-protector, people!

Bye bye, brave new world that had such wonders in it.

Now that I am armed with all of this clairvoyant knowledge, I think I'll renounce the whole cryogenic suspension idea. I mean, I wanted to live in the cool shopping mall place! My dream, ruined!

Damn Logan and his damn Run.

DROOL FACTOR: While some may swear by the admittedly beauteous Michael York, for me the man of the 23rd century is Richard Jordan's Francis 7. He has this Byron-esque hair, these sultry eyes, deliciously smooth skin -- and a body that does wonders for the black jumpsuit he's forced to wear. In fact, I find I'm glad he was forced to wear it. And that is not something I feel proud to say.

GROSSOUT FACTOR Well, there's the whole concept for a start. People forced to die for society? Ick. Plus, these are not pleasant, you-are-going-to-sleep-now deaths. These people explode, to the deafening roar of a crowd, probably comprised of their friends and relations. There's also a little bloodshed -- none of it more disturbing than that kaftan, though.

STRONG CHICK FACTOR Jessica 6 starts out okay, with the saying no to sex, and being a member of a militant underground organization. But by the end of the movie you just wanna slap her. Needy, clingy, pathetic girl -- though, to be fair, she looks kick-ass in comparison to the Farrah-Fawcett-as-ditzy-blonde triumph of type-casting. And Farrah works for a PLASTIC SURGEON! Foreshadowing, indeed.

-- Rachel Hyland

Logan's Run is currently available on video.

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