Here's all you need to know about this movie. It was made in the Eighties. It's a musical. The (ha!) plot involves three aliens that come to Earth because they think Geena Davis is a babe. It has Geena Davis in it. And Jeff Goldblum.

There is no word currently extant in the English language that covers such a situation. Zgvwhjqeaz%thjeroj! may possibly cover it.

Did I mention that it's a musical?

Don't get me wrong. I like musicals. Fred and Ginger, Shirley Temple, Singin' in the Rain, "Summer days drifting away to, oh, those Summer nigh..." You see my point. And the evidence against... er, me... gets even more damning from here, I'm afraid. 'Cause, actually, I also like movies from the Eighties. Even the really bad ones, like, well, most of them. The watching of bad sci-fi, meanwhile, is quite a hobby of mine... Ed Wood was a genius, baby! Plus, also, I think Jeff Goldblum is totally sexy. So, essentially, I am -- shudder -- the kind of person who likes bad Eighties Sci-Fi musicals that have Jeff Goldblum in them.

And still, this movie, this piece of visual excrement, was enough to make me physically ill.

A strong case could be made for, "well, duh". And, granted, the title pretty much says it all, one would think. But, dear Lord, you have absolutely no idea. It's so much worse than you could even possibly imagine without having had the kind of nightmares that Freddy inflicted in his heyday -- and, actually, those were pretty mild, comparatively speaking. We're talking high schlock content, puerile themes, flagrant use of blue eyeshadow and some very strong idiocy. The thing's ridiculous. In fact, it is an insult to the fine word ridiculous for me to so use it in relation to the most goddamn awful movie that it has ever been my very deep displeasure to have watched.

But the point of this review is not to revile this alleged film. It is not to call down curses upon the heads -- the many heads, I shouldn't wonder -- of the "creative" "minds" behind this excruciating disaster. No, this review is about romance. About how the love of a good woman, or man, or fuzzy alien thingie, can change a genre movie from wham-bam-thank-you-ma'am action into... well, wham-bam-thank-you-ma'am action.

A euphemism -- is that a euphemism? -- that really applies here. 'Cause boy, there's action. The basic premise of the movie is that aliens are exploring the Universe looking for sex (wow! Mulder was right!) and that Earth girls are more than willing to give it them. There's also a single's bar. In fact, there's a dance number at a singles bar in which there are women wearing patent leather shoes.

I really hated this movie. I just can't go on.

Oh, yeah, one more thing. This movie has Jim Carrey at his wackiest in it -- and that's the only even remotely positive thing I have to say about it.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to go take a shower and then have a good lie down. The things I do for you people. Honestly.

DROOL FACTOR: I'm fighting the compulsion to say this, but... Jeff Goldblum. I'm sorry.

GROSS-OUT FACTOR: Well, gee. Let's think. How about the fact that it was ever made, ever? 'Cause that's working for me.

STRONG CHICK FACTOR: You're kidding. And, sadly, I am not.

-- Rachel Hyland

Earth Girls are Easy is, lamentably, currently available on video.

We welcome your comments on The 11th Hour and this review. Please send letters to: letters@the11thhour.com