Strong Chicks In Crisis
Roswell, Dark Angel, and the downfall of the genre television heroine.
      by Linda M. Najera

In our December issue, editor-in-chief (AKA The Big Kahuna) Sarah Kendzior expressed her disgust at the scarcity of strong female roles in science fiction and horror films. In contrast to the veritable desert that was genre on the big screen, the little screen offered many chances in which a kick-ass chick could shine. And thankfully some did. Unfortunately, those that didn't became black holes that nearly sucked all that was good and bright in the genre universe down, down, down into their endless void of putrescence.

Back in the day, Scully used her gun, instead of just waiting around for a big strong man to save her ass.

But enough about Roswell's Liz Parker (Shiri Appleby). Well, for now at least.

If you are like me, after watching an unholy amount of television you figure you can pretty much handle anything. It gets to the point where the sight of a stupid girl being rescued by the handsome and dashing and always male hero doesn't really faze you. You simply shrug and start to write slash fiction. (Well, some people do at least.)

But then, all of a sudden, female characters appear who have guts and brains and spines and even, goshdarnit all, leadership abilities. In fact, they even get to do some of the fun rescuing-type stuff. You see Dana Scully (Gillian Anderson) perform an autopsy on a gruesome corpse and whip out her gun in the same episode, Susan Ivanova (Claudia Christian) command one of the White Star fleet and lead the Resistance in Sheridan's absence, Shane Vansen (Kristen Cloke) get promoted to Captain and, later, Buffy Summers (Sarah Michelle Gellar) slay `em nightly in Sunnydale, California.

Television, if not life, is good.

Then, just when you think it's time to party like it's 1999, it is 1999 (and then it's 2000 -- time is funny that way) and most of the capable women who inhabited your favorite fictional universes are either gone or, worse, pale shadows of their former selves. Ivanova and Vansen (and their universes) have gone gently into that good night, Scully cries more often than a televangelist begging for money and even Buffy, our beloved Buffy, allows her entire life to revolve around her boyfriend, almost completely abandoning her friends and more importantly, her true calling as The Slayer. If it weren't for Farscape, the 1998-1999 season would have been entirely devoid of strong women on genre television.

But, luckily, each year brings a whole new crop of shows with new female characters all waiting to be deemed worthy of the title strong chick. At least that's the plan. And if you've been paying attention to our TV reviews section, I think you already know that a few things went wrong with that plan.

But first let me do a little explaining in regards to the criteria involved in defining a strong chick. While my favorite female television characters often possess a combination of intelligence, wit, physical strength, and, if available, a coolin' wardrobe, the one quality which makes them kick-ass is the ever helpful ability to handle themselves in a crisis.

When the chips are down, strong chicks stick around. Or something like that. Only without the lame rhyme.

And speaking of lame...

The Whiney And The Witless

Yeah, Liz, that's how we feel every time you show up on screen.

After reviewing and mocking Roswell for the television section of this magazine for the umpteenth time, I experienced an epiphany. Or, to put it into terms that a Roswell writer might understand, the reason I detested the show was revealed to me in a flash of light (but considering the source, it wasn't all that bright, if you know what I mean... and I think you do): Liz Parker (Shiri Appleby), the supposed-female lead, was perhaps the weakest character on any show. Ever. Although introduced as a smart, spunky teenager, her actions in the past season and a half belie that description. She whines incessantly (see: every single episode), lacks the intelligence of a gerbil (see: "The End of the World"), possesses a degree of narcissism that rivals that of even the most self-centered member of my extended family (see: "We Are Family"), and falls apart at the slightest hint of a crisis (see: "The Balance" and "Max in the City").

These qualities do not a strong chick make. And unfortunately she's not hurting for company.

Although no one could ever truly displace Liz Parker as Queen of the Spineless, she is not the only female character on Roswell in need of a good bitch slapping. While it is true that the human females spend way too much time fretting over their erstwhile alien boyfriends, it is the alien chicks who have been given the truly short end of the stick. Despite their powers and supposed intellect, their roles have deteriorated into nothing more than accessories for their male counterparts. You'd think that an advanced race would have long ago left behind such limiting gender stereotypes, but alas, the planet from which the aliens came seems to have been permanently frozen in the year 1952.

Run, Tess, RUN!

While introduced as having more knowledge about their alien past than the others, and able to reconstruct broken items with the wave of her hand, Tess Harding (Emilie deRavin) is only allowed to possess spunk when not in the presence of her "former husband", the human sleeping pill, Max Evans (Jason Behr). Catty, witty and willing to trade barbs with anyone else (Kyle, Michael, etc.), around the JFK-wannabe her spine magically disappears along with any vitality the character once had. She can go from spirited to limp-noodle in the time it takes to say, "You're right, Max."

Were it not for the star map imprinted somewhere between his larger-than-normal ears, it would be easy to believe that Isabel Evans (Katherine Heigl), rather than her brother Max, was the true ruler of a distant planet. Charismatic, driven and organized, Isabel is all the things that Max isn't. Until, of course, the writers decide that she needs to act more like a girl and suddenly she's hunting for a man to fulfill her every dream despite the danger involved in letting yet another person find out exactly who and what she is. And don't forget the crying. Good Lord above, the crying!

According to the old adage, the bigger they are, the harder they fall. This sort of explains why Dark Angel's female cast of characters are in a league of suckiness all their own. Without their Roswell sisters' excuse of youth and inexperience, the women who inhabit Charles Eglee and James Cameron's future-gone-wrong may, in fact, be what misguided adolescent males (obviously the largest percentage of voters in The People's Choice Awards) consider to be strong women. However, we at the 11th Hour know that it takes a lot more than some wire stunts and leather to fit the category.

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