Doin' It To Death
The never-ending trend of Hollywood retreads.
      by Julie Ng

So, one last question remains. If I were to throw away my self-respect as a film buff to follow these popular trends, could I, one day, get my foot into some executive's office door?

I decide to give it the old college try. First, I ask two of my friends, Mike Lane and Brent MacLean, to sell-out with me. Next, we each scribble down a bunch of pitches for movie remakes that will surely make us stinkin' millionaires! So, before the three of us land our multi-picture deal, or burn in Hell (whichever comes first), let's give you a first hand look at some potential genre remakes we'd like to see!

BRAZIL
When a receptionist's typo sends nerdy bureaucrat Sam Lowry (Freddie Prinze, Jr) to the dilapidated lower regimens of Los Angeles, his life is changed forever. He meets the alluring Girl Of His Dreams (Mena Suvari) and must help her spunky friends save their favourite poetry bar from being shut down by The Man, all while learning how to be "cool" -- even if you're wearing glasses. (Answer: wear contact lenses.) Adapting the "Love Conquers All" version, it ends with the two lovebirds falling into bed, without any resolve to the conflict. And thanks to Suvari's involvement, the title is now American Brazil.

DR. STRANGELOVE: OR HOW I LEARNED TO STOP WORRYING AND LOVE THE BOMB
Eddie Murphy directs himself in every single role. 'Nuff said.

Labyrinth without David Bowie? Blasphemy!

JAWS 2340 A.D.
Set in the year 2340, this bleak horror/sci-fi follows a space ship crew (Jerry O'Connell, Sigourney Weaver and Richard Dreyfuss) as they accidentally get sucked into another dimension. Desperately searching for the tear in the universe, they discover a deadly threat to their survival -- a fiercely territorial giant shark that feeds off gaseous vapours surrounding stars, metal-rich meteors and... space ships, naturally. It becomes an all out struggle for survival as the crew searches frantically try to find their portal home without becoming kibble for a vacuum-friendly shark!

LABYRINTH
Young dreamer Sarah (Piper Perabo) must travel into her fantasy world to rescue her kidnapped half-brother from the evil, dancing, singing Goblin King (Ricky Martin). She is joined by a barrage of CGI creatures, including sweet man-ape Ludo (Bullwinkle Moose), backstabbing Hoggle (Rocket J. Squirrel), the valiant Sir Didymus (Mr. Peabody) and his pet dog Ambrosius (Sherman). The Goblin King is vanquished when he loses his power over the American music-buying public, and everyone is transported back home via the way-back machine, to slide softly into the highly-subsidized profits.

DARK ANGEL: THE MOVIE
James Cameron brings his hit TV series to the big screen. While on a bike delivery, genetically engineered Max (Jessica Alba) has one of her epileptic seizures, this one being near fatal. She wakes up in a hospital bed, only to discover that she's been locked in an insane asylum by her nemesis, Lydecker (John Savage). By a strange twist of fate, her cellmate, Lisa turns out to be her long lost mother, played by Lara Croft herself, Angelina Jolie, in a reprisal of her Oscar-winning role in Girl Interrupted. After a heartfelt reunion, these unstoppable, pouty-lipped soldiers plot an epic escape. Along the way, they get their revenge by beating up orderlies with mops and pumping syringes of Drano into their sadistic nurse (Louise Fletcher). You work that straight-jacket, homegirl!

And last, but not least...

2001: A SPACE ODYSSEY
An ideal movie vehicle for Mr. Brian De Palma. Replacing classical music with a Bernard Herrmann-derived slasher score by Pino Donaggio, De Palma will reinvent the timeless tale of Dave Bowman, his Jupiter-bound crew of astronauts, and HAL the computer. Bowman, flawed with his own obsessions involving voyeurism and perverse sexuality, becomes intensely paranoid when his entire crew is slaughtered, one-by-one. He furiously begins his quest for the truth, constantly watching and re-watching HAL's security footage of the murders, which show the perpetrator to be an alluring blonde woman (to be played by De Palma's most current wife/girlfriend). Dousing himself with the blood of his fallen crewmen, Dave experiences psychic visions that suggest that HE may very well be the blonde -- as a manifestation of a split personality. In a last minute twist, however, Dave soon comes to realize that HAL is the distinct threat, when, after setting up several split-screen cameras in the pod bay, he captures the computer dressing up in a blonde wig and slutty stiletto heels. Disabled by guilt (and a possible drug habit), Dave launches himself into space where he is consumed by a black rectangular monolith, which had heretofore never even been mentioned. Then he wakes up in bed, on Earth, because it was all a dream.

Of course, this is all fun and games unless someone, one day, were to actually make one of these. So, before we are subjected to Sid Shienberg's American Brazil, or worse, that remake of Casablanca they're always threatening us with, I'd like to give a friendly reminder to any development people out there who may be listening. Folks, if you don't make anything original now, then before you know it, you'll run out of things to remake by 2010.

The author would like to extend special thanks to her trusty filmmaking cohorts, Michael Lane and Brent MacLean for providing both inspiration and their own creative contributions to the feature.

We welcome your comments on The 11th Hour and this feature. Please send letters to: letters@the11thhour.com

< Previous Page