Buffy the Vampire Slayer
"Into the Woods"

Airdate: December 19, 2000

Marc Blucas exits stage left and enters his shining new future, which includes Gwyneth Paltrow movies. Best of luck to ya, champ.

I don't like it when I don't like Buffy. It just seems wrong somehow, like discovering a burning hatred of chocolate, or suddenly waking up one day and deciding that Tetris is not actually all that much fun. Fortunately, as a longtime proponent of the Tracey-"Beer Bad"-Forbes-is-a-Misunderstood-Genius school of thought (plus, hey, "Killed By Death" and "Go Fish" were great!), this dire state of affairs does not happen often. But oh boy, it is happening now, and I am so cross about it.

Darn you, Marti Noxon, anyway.

Now, please don't get me wrong. I'm as big a fan of the Noxon portfolio as the next person who enjoys seeing relationship deconstruction and Angel shirtless. And she actually proved here to be a more-than-good director, her first time out and everything (this one fight scene, where Buffy takes out, like, a thousand vampires in the space of a minute? Priceless). But there is no denying that when it comes to angsty confrontations and recriminations of the bitter kind, Buffy's second in command can, at times, get a little carried away. And speeches thenceforth ensue. Lots of them.

Of course, there was a lot to be speechified about in this episode. Many developments of a pivotal nature occurred... and yet somehow, they managed to feel like they were taking so damn long about it. Oh, yay, Joyce's operation was a success (sarcasm noted, I trust): let's go on about how that makes us feel for a bit. Hey, Spike discovers the newly-creepy Riley's fun-filled blood-sucked-out-of-him fetish and passes on the news to his Slayer: let's investigate and examine that for a while without really being interesting about it. Graham brings his new Sugar Daddy to town to entice his erstwhile true love back into the commando fold: I know, let's make sure that scene drags on and on as well. Oh, and then, the big one: Buffy and Riley duke it out about his unfaithfulness, her bad-boy thing, and the fact that he's a big girl's blouse with some serious dominance issues... gosh, better make sure that scene lasts the allotted forever. It wouldn't do to leave even a single fanfic-style piece of dialogue unused.

Did somebody say Spike?

Sure, this episode has its highlights, never doubt that. Spike happening upon a naked Buffy. Spike acting the badass in the vampiest little whorehouse in Sunnydale. Spike bonding with Riley after getting fake-staked by said bondee... lots of good Spike-ness, which makes up for a lot. As does the wonderful Xander-ness. Xander mediating the Anya and Willow cat-fight. Xander being darling-boy best-friend guy to our whiny, whimpering Buffy. Xander saying just the sweetest things to Anya... actually managing to shut her up completely in the process, which ranks right up there with his "The Zeppo" bomb-stopping antics, as feats go. Also, no Tara is a good, as she's still adorable, but kind of getting tiresome.

Still, "Into the Woods" (yet another Buffy episode to mention, or allude to, its name during the course of play -- is anyone keeping track of those?) left a feeling of what-might-have-been behind it. The elements were all there for this to be a landmark, myth-arcy episode full of remember-whens and it-makes-sense-nows. Instead, it was just words. Too many words, saying not nearly enough. I think the Bee Gees stated it best (they were so ahead of their time): "It's only words. And words are all I have, to make Riley go way."

Okay, Marti Noxon. You just made me quote the damn Bee Gees (well, mis-quote, but whatever). Now I'm really mad with you. But you can make it all up to me, as long as you promise: no Riley and the Commando Guys-type spinoff, all right? 'Cause there's only so many turtleknecks I can take.

-- Rachel Hyland

Buffy the Vampire Slayer airs at 8/7c, Tuesdays on the WB.

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