Dark Angel
"Red"

Airdate: January 16, 2001

Logan makes his getaway in the trust Loganmobile.

Okay, who's been smokin' crack again?

Or at the very least, who's been sleeping on the job, thereby allowing this episode to appear on the televisions of millions of unsuspecting viewers? Because after watching this, I feel about two hundred times dumber. I seriously want to stand in front of the Fox studio lot with a megaphone so I can holler out: "To the Dark Angel staff writers, Jose Molina and David Zabel -- give me back my precious brain cells!!!!" I mean, I have few left already, and I don't know if I have enough remaining to muster the strength to write anything nice about this bloody awful hour of TV.

So, die-hard Dark Angel fanatics, now's your chance to run away.

Logan calls on Max to protect the life of none other than Bruno Anselmo (Douglas O'Keeffe), the trigger man who put him in a wheelchair. Max took great pleasure in beating the crap out of this henchman way back when in the Pilot (in a skimpy sequined dress to boot!); though if you don't remember this, no worries. We are reminded through a lengthy flashback of her (stunt double's) ass-kicking. After spending another few minutes with this ill-mannered pig, Max is very tempted to lay the smackdown one more time, but Logan is very specific. Ever the martyr, he doesn't care that this is the man who ruined his life. He needs her to keep Bruno safe and unharmed so that he can testify against his former boss, who is responsible for suppressing important medical drugs needed by war veterans.

This is Bruno, not that you care.

You may recall Max's Asian neighbour as one of the innocent victims of this crime. Or... you may not. They don't show any flashbacks of that poor dead guy - only old action sequences. But we aren't supposed to care about the foundation or realism behind this mission anyway. "Red's" extremely light-hearted tone undermines the greater cause, as well as any sense of danger that Max and Bruno are supposedly in. Not only that, but this show lacks in... well... everything! Logic, decent humour, interesting characters, you name it. This one ain't got it. This is pure lowest-common-denominator, Renny Harlin-inspired filmmaking. "Red" cares about one thing and one thing only: lots of references to sex, and mindless, amped-up action.

Remember that episode of The Simpsons when the family has to go into hiding because Sideshow Bob has just escaped from prison and is out to kill Bart? So they join the witness protection program and Homer walks around wearing a t-shirt that reads "I'M IN THE WITNESS PROTECTION PROGRAM"?

Boy, that was funny. (This is me regressing to happier television moments in order to overcome my frustration. Otherwise I'd have smashed the TV set into oblivion by now...)

However, enduring bad scene after scene of Bruno making a total moron of himself is just not funny at all. After dozens of misogynistic jokes and displays of his voracious horniness, it is clear that he has no concern at all over the fact that there are men with guns trying to blow off his head. So when the writers try to throw us for a loop and suddenly present him as a sensitive, loving father to a little seven-year-old girl, this is impossibly hard to swallow.

And these are... um... some guys, I guess.

How are we supposed to buy the idea that Bruno is willing to testify in court, so that he can make his daughter proud for doing something noble, when minutes before, he was enjoying a lap dance by two hookers -- unconcerned that this act nearly tips the bad guys to his whereabouts? (Hey, remember that Simpsons episode when they go to the book fair and Christopher Walken is reading Goodnight Moon to little children? Ahhhh! Sure beats the hell outta Bruno's rendition to his kid over the phone!)

And Max! What kind of bodyguard leaves her subject unattended to:
1) go out and buy a pizza
2) let him lock himself in a room with an open window
3) saunter off into the lobby to get a bucket of ice

For pete's sake! She almost deserves to get beaten up by that group of superhuman South African soldiers!

What?! Where the hell did the Superhuman South African Soldiers come from? That would be the sub-plot that literally comes out of nowhere. The assassin hired to off Bruno calls in an army of... South African, superhuman soldiers. It turns out that they want to seize Max as well. See, these three genetically enhanced behemoths cannot register pain. Their only glitch is that they expire after six months. If however, they can access the technology stored in Max's DNA, they could become all the more mighty and powerful. Uh huh. Needless to say, much carnage ensues trying to capture her, but Max escapes just in time before they rip off her head.

As the episode closes, I believe that we are supposed to be thinking about these three soldiers who now pose a new frightening threat to Max's safety. But personally, all I can think about is this hour used up in my life which could have been spent watching two old re-runs of The Simpsons.

-- Julie Ng

Dark Angel airs at 9pm EST/8pm MNT, Tuesdays on FOX.

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