The X-Files
"Badlaa"

Airdate: January 21, 2001

"Why don't you shove it up your... oh, wait."

Here's a scene from the meeting between writer John Shiban and Chris Carter that undoubtedly preceded the writing, filming, and eventual unleashing of "Badlaa" upon an unwitting public. Although I've taken liberties with the dialogue and the situation (okay, I made the whole thing up) I can't see it going down any other way.

SCENE - CHRIS CARTER'S OFFICE

JOHN SHIBAN: So, anyway, that's my idea for bringing Mulder back. See, this whole time, he's been a hostage of the Chupacabra. Cool, huh? And did I mention the killer cats? That's gonna be great.

CHRIS CARTER: But how do we explain all the loose ends?

JOHN SHIBAN: Oh, come on, Chris. Let's not waste precious minutes of the episode summing up, chasing down loose ends, and bringing the story to a true close -- the audience is happy enough to do that in its own mind; those loose ends and hanging threads are part of the mystique of The X-Files.

CHRIS CARTER: Well, I agree with that, but as for rest of your episode, frankly, I could have pulled a better idea out of my ass.

JOHN SHIBAN: How dare y-- wait! I think I'm getting another idea...

A humble beginning for what will go down as not only the single worst episode of The X-Files but also quite probably one of the worst atrocities ever aired on network television. That's right, "Badlaa" will be fondly remembered as the episode that featured a legless Hindu mystic who killed people and then crawled up their asses. No, I'm not making this up. The episode begins as a rude, obese American makes his way through an Indian airport, all the while being followed by a scowling, legless peasant, who rides a squeaky little cart that's produces a sound similar to that of nails on a chalkboard. Soon enough, the chubby guy finds himself cornered by the legless wonder in a bathroom stall, terror and much screaming ensues, and we next see him, vacant-eyed and nearly comatose, sitting on a plane headed for the States.

Robert Patrick channels the feelings of his audience in "Badlaa."

Gasp! What happened to the legless Indian guy?

At this point, I found myself jokingly inquiring "What, did he crawl up the guy's ass or something?" Soon, Scully and Doggett show up to confirm that, yes, that is exactly the case. Are there any jokes made on the subject? Is there any humor whatsoever? Well, there's more than enough fun to be had in the fact that everyone seems to take this subject matter so seriously. We're talking about a guy who crawls up people's asses, for God's sake. A bit later, we're given a possible motive -- it seems that this guy might have lost his son in a chemical plant explosion, and the chubby guy was with the chemical company. So why does the mystic then suddenly start menacing kids at an American elementary school? Why does he kill the janitor and then crawl up his ass. Why the hell am I watching this, anyway?

In the end, there's nothing resembling motive or explanation given for the proliferance of anal penetrations throughout the episode. Instead, we close with a long-winded and whiny monologue from Scully on how Mulder could have seen this X-File for what it was, whereas she will never be able to look at the events with his perspective. That comes off as pretty selfish, seeing that Mulder's been abducted and is presently being painfully experimented upon.

Over the past few years, there has been quite a bit of debate on the lasting merits of The X-Files, but I think "Badlaa" proves all the naysayers right in their belief that the show has gotten progressively worse. Worse, hell, it's become one of the most reprehensibly awful things on television. I won't belabor the point any more here, but I'd like to add that the one positive element I can glean out of this episode is that it will undoubtedly assure that John Shiban will never, ever be hired anywhere outside of 1013 Productions.

I mean, let's face it, the guy is a real pain in the ass.

-- David Rosiak

The X-Files airs at 9pm EST/8pm MNT, Sundays on Fox.

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