Sabrina Down Under
What? No Aunt Zelda?

When it was announced that the next Survivor series would be filmed in Australia, I was offended. I mean, what's the big deal? I, and millions of others, have been surviving here for years now. Okay, sure it's hard, what with no Gap, no Starbucks, no UPN. But somehow, we forbear.

However, if those canny, Immunity Challenge-mad Survivor producers had announced that the Australian Outback portion of their world tour would be conducted Satellite of Love-style, and feature the enforced watching of every "Down Under" special that every American TV show ever presented to a largely disinterested populace, then I might have been a little more impressed by their ingenuity.

'Cause those are always torture.

Take this as a case in point. It's Sabrina, her wacky buddy Gwen, her cat Salem and... uh... a bunch of cute Australian men wearing very little. Okay, so it's not all bad. And since I kind of have a soft spot for Sabrina anyway, thanks to her Archie comic pedigree, I'm forced to confess that I actually kind of enjoyed her antipodean shenanigans almost as much as I kind of enjoyed the nepotism-blessed one's earlier trip to Rome.

If it weren't for the word "G'day," that is.

People, we really don't say that. Oh, well, we do, but not nearly as much as you seem to think we do. It'd be like... uh... oh, Texans! Do you all wear ten gallon hats and say "doggone it" and listen to Gene Autry all day? New Yorkers! Do you yell irately at random passers-by for no apparent reason, get involved in other people's disputes on subways, and nearly get run over during car chases on a daily basis? Utahns! Are you all Mormon, and polygamists, and have, like, seventeen kids by age twenty-five? I think not. Likewise, all Australians are not necessarily fond of "Australian" things, like kangaroo shootin', and dingo huntin', and crocodile wrestling at the drop of an Akubra. (Though, of course, I am fond of all of those things... but that's not really relevant here.)

What is relevant, you ask? Well, I think the point is that we are not to be stereotyped, America! We are a proud nation of true-blue, fairdinkum cobbers with hearts and spirits as unique as this wide brown land we call home. Mate. And what is also relevant is, hey, video review! Which I am getting back to. Right now.

So, Sabrina. She takes a trip to the Great Barrier Reef on Queensland's Gold Coast in order to further explore her newly-revealed (but apparently deeply-entrenched) interest in marine biology. She meets there hero-of-my-youth Peter O'Brien (former Neighbours and Flying Doctors star... not that you care), a marine biologist-cum-environmental activist who may or may not be hitting on the jailbaity Sabrina; it's hard to tell.

Then she meets the merman, and it all just gets weirder from there.

The merman, played by another Neighbours alum and possibly the worst actor ever to earn that coveted title -- plus, he had an affair with Lucy one time, and totally broke poor Beth's heart -- is named Barnaby, and he and his colony of merfolk apparently hang out on the far side of an uninhabited, soon-to-be-developed island. Poor Brad... I mean, Barnaby... gets some kind of ugly skin disease from water contaminated by evil corporate shipping (oooh, I think I see a moral headed our way before too long), and in order to cure him, Sabrina's magic turns him into a human. A badly dressed one, but still, that's pretty impressive. Though he does start covering his chest more then...

His rash is cured by some ointment Marine Biologist Guy has cooked up to cure marine mammals of the same disease, and when MBG catches Sabrina stealing some of it, he begins to twig to what is going on. Of course! The girl discovered a merman! It's the only possible explanation! (Sure, if you're a crazy person.) So he and his merry band of former soap stars -- when the mighty fall, boy do they fall -- head out to find these merpeople, and make their existence known to the world.

'Til Sabrina does a spell to stop them and ends up unconscious, leaving her scatty companion, the turriblee English Gwen, to save them all... by sending herself and the object of her affection to Siberia or somewhere. There's also this whole subplot about how Salem (warlock serving out a centuries-long sentence for attempted world domination as a talking cat: Department of Justice, take note) poses as a guest in the hotel, is pampered shamelessly, and hooks up with a witch serving out a centuries-long sentence as a talking cat... what are the odds? But, really, who could care about that ill-fated love affair with the voice of ex-Flying Doctors, ex-All Together Now, current Halifax f.p. star Rebecca Gibney when such gripping events are unfolding elsewhere?

After all, there are half-naked merpeople. Sick from the contamination (oh, welcome back, moral), they are ripe for easy capture and exploitation to the world's press, unless a now magic-less Sabrina can step in to save the day...

But, of course, she can't think of any way to save them, so the mer-colonists get dissected one by one and sold as a delicacy in Japan. Gwen never comes back from Siberia, Salem is catnapped, and Marine Biologist Guy says with a maniacal laugh: "And I did get away with it, too, despite you pesky kids..."

No. That didn't happen. But it's fun to make up your own ending to such things as this, since no one had to make up the real ending, anymore, what with good ol' deus ex machina. What would TV shows be without you?

I'll tell you what they'd be! Longer. Which would have been a very bad thing in this case. Well, unless Sabrina'd had to call in Aunt Zelda to help. 'Cause she's cool.

DROOL FACTOR: Scott Michaelson cannot act, but with abs like those, he probably doesn't need to. Peter O'Brien is always attractive, even as he enters his "mature man of the world" years... and otherwise there's, uh, Salem? On the girl front, many scantily-clad young cuties abound, but it is the muddle-headed Gwen (Tara Charendoff) who is the true beauty. What this actress is doing in Sabrina I do not know... she's actually pretty engaging, in a muddle-headed Willow-esque manner.

GROSS-OUT FACTOR: Disease. Pollution. Abundant use of Aussie expressions. Sabrina missing Harvey. It's all here.

STRONG CHICK FACTOR: Sabrina is half-witch. Gwen tries to be a witch. But it is probably the fluffy white former-witch-current-cat, Hilary, who is the strongest woman in the film. Don't even get me started on the mer-chick. For a start, her name is Fin!

-- Rachel Hyland

Sabrina Down Under is currently available on video (in PAL format only). Why, though?

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