Russell Crowe

The Movie: Gladiator
Other Genre Outing(s): Virtuosity

The East Coast: "I heard a rumor that Jodie Foster sired this guy's sperm to have her child, and I can tell you, I'm right there with her! Especially when he's looking all Roman and battley like in Gladiator. Yum! And yes, I realize that justification does not negate the inherent grossness of my first sentence."
The West Coast: "So maybe we're stretching the definition a bit with Gladiator, but damnit, we're talking muscular, sweaty men battling to the death in short leather skirts here! Plus... Hello? It's Russell Crowe!"
The Center of the Universe: "They should put a tag on him: 'Looks best when slightly ruffled, and preferably damp.'"
The Land Down Under: "On behalf of my country I would just like to say: 'You're welcome.'"

Johnny Depp

The Movie: The Ninth Gate
Other Genre Outing(s): I'm not even going to dignify that with an answer.

The West Coast: "That I used to put pictures of this man from teenybopper magazines up on my college dorm walls should tell you two things; I'm old and I've always thought he was hot."
The Center of the Universe: "My childhood Jump Street crush returns again to devastate me with smooth acting and sheer beauty. He's doing this quite a lot lately. But I don't mind."
The Land Down Under: "During my many Depp-induced episodes of uncontrollable sighing, I have actually been known to hyperventilate."
The East Coast: "I can say with authority that The Ninth Gate is the Johnny Depp experience. And by Johnny Depp experience, I mean two hours and twenty minutes of unbridled lust. And, uh, good acting and stuff."

Vin Diesel

The Movie: Pitch Black
Other Genre Outing(s): The Iron Giant

The Center of the Universe: "Could I get one of those to go, please? No, I don't want any ketchup with that... do you have chocolate sauce instead?"
The Land Down Under: "The man is beautiful. The eyes, the bod, the hair -- or lack thereof -- it's all working. Plus, how cool a name is Vin?"
The East Coast "Lust personified. The voice. The body. The smile. The body. The arms... okay, it's all about the body. I'd also like to point out that 11th Hour was the first magazine to spread the good word about this luscious specimen."
The West Coast: "Where, oh where has Vin Diesel been hiding all our lives? The man speaks and legions of women swoon -- including the female contingent of the 11th Hour staff. The man flexes and legions of women squirm in their seats. Do you even have to ask?"

Cole Hauser

The Movie: Pitch Black
Other Genre Outing(s): N/A

The Land Down Under: "Dull. Boring. But, biceps!"
The East Coast: "The other cute guy in Pitch Black (God bless that casting director!) Cole is even hotter in person. So what if he was the only other person present when Matthew McConaughey got arrested for naked bongo-drumming? I'm not gonna question it. Really."
The West Coast: "Okay, so that Mayor McCheese and the bongo story is weird, but I always like him on High Incident."
The Center of the Universe: "I don't know how he does it, but he even manages to be hot in a movie where he sticks a needle in his eye."

Djimon Hounsou

The Movie: Gladiator
Other Genre Outing(s): Stargate, Deep Rising

The East Coast: "So what if his first name sounds like a Japanese cartoon show? Djimon's a hottie, and for those of us who never got our hour-long Behind the Music: Exploring the Shirtless Hot Guy in Janet Jackson's 'Love Will Never Do Without You' Video, Gladiator is the next best thing."
The West Coast: "I think I'll need to see him in leather before I can make an informed judgment."
The Center of the Universe: "Woah. He's like... totally buffed. So he's in Gladiator? Won't there be lots of leather and not so many actual clothes in that movie? What a brilliant idea!"
The Land Down Under: "I like that he very rarely feels the need to smile. That's intense."

Jude Law

The Movie: The Wisdom of Crocodiles
Other Genre Outing(s): Gattaca, eXistenZ

The West Coast: "He even made sitting through the stomach churning parts of eXistenZ possible. Although I may never eat Chinese food again, it's a small price to pay."
The Center of the Universe: "If ever there was a reason to watch The Talented Mr. Ripley ten thousand times, this boy would be it. But not even Jude could get me to watch that film in the first place, so I guess I'll settle for Gattaca until the new movie comes out."
The Land Down Under: "It has been scientifically proven that the mere sight of Jude Law's perfection of form can seriously endanger a girl's sanity. Dead fish are pretty. I don't know you, Artichoke Man! Is that really my hand?"
The East Coast: "His role as the ideal man in Gattaca nearly made me in favor for genetic engineering (and come to think of it, Now and Again's making that notion seem newly appealing)."

Tim Robbins

The Movie: Mission To Mars
Other Genre Outing(s): Jacob's Ladder

The Center of the Universe: "I'm not worthy! I'm not worthy!"
The Land Down Under: "Hey, I liked him in Howard the Duck."
The East Coast: "He's so cute in a nerdy, old sort of way. And he can direct, too!"
The West Coast: "He's got such a sweet, boyish smile. He's a talented, cute, dorky, gangly sort of guy."

Devon Sawa

The Movie: Final Destination
Other Genre Outing(s): Idle Hands, Casper

The Land Down Under: "He looks like a kid I used to baby-sit. 'Back to bed, Devon!' Woah. Flashback."
The East Coast: "I have been run over by the Teen Beat bandwagon, and the license plate said Devon, baby."
The West Coast: "It's just difficult to think a guy is hot when the pre-pubescent sitting next to you agrees wholeheartedly. Maybe after the 13 year olds are put to bed I'll give him another look."
The Center of the Universe: "Despite his history of being adored mostly by teenyboppers, Sawa's got talent. Even his hand has talent, all on its own. Now that's somethin' special."
The Cold North: "Devon Sawa is the sweetest thing to ever come out of Canada. Ever. The word 'Sawa' is Canadian for 'hottie.'"

Gary Sinise

The Movie: Mission To Mars
Other Genre Outing(s): The Stand

The East Coast: "Lusted after him in The Stand. Loved him in Apollo 13. Blocked him out in Reindeer Games... Stick to good movies and short hair, man!"
The West Coast: "He's very much got that grown up vibe about him. He's a man in the best sense of the word."
The Center of the Universe: "Now here's a guy who's worth seeing in any movie. And there's the added plus that he does mostly good movies. Thank god for him."
The Land Down Under: "Hot? He's barely tepid."

Kerr Smith

The Movie: Final Destination
Other Genre Outing(s): N/A

The West Coast: "He's got those Hollywood's golden-era good looks about him. And I can never resist those."
The Center of the Universe: "I didn't even know who he was before Final Destination, then I looked him up. But he's fully hot, so I'm not going to hold the Dawson's Creek thing against him."
The Land Down Under: "He's lovely. How come no one told me he was so lovely?"
The East Coast: "I am blocking out Dawson's Creek... I am blocking out Dawson's Creek... oh, who am I kidding? Pass."

John Travolta

The Movie: Battlefield Earth
Other Genre Outing(s): Phenomenon, Michael

The Center of the Universe: "Oh, man. The hair! The eyebrows! What's not to... er... laugh at?"
The Land Down Under: "Look, I don't care what mistakes he's made, philosophically or whatever. He was Danny Zuko, and that makes him completely untouchable. Okay, so I don't necessarily want to touch him... Oh, just leave him alone, will you? Heathens."
The East Coast: "As a child, I used to have nightmares of that very being hiding under my bed... okay, not just as a child."
The West Coast: "Thanks to this picture I can now successfully blackmail my sister with tales of her wasted youth spent mooning over John Travolta. I'm going to be rich."