Alien From L.A.
An unattractive supermodel, Atlantis, and other impossibilities...

I feel the need to explain myself here. I mean, sure, the attentive reader of my video reviews in this fine publication (hi, Mum!) may already know that I have voluntarily watched some bad films in my time -- but Alien From L.A.? That needs some explanation, and fast.

It's all the fault of the Irish.

I mean, I love the Irish, and St. Patrick's Day having inspired the review category for this month, I thought: Hey, cool, Irish film! Excellent! But then I thought: Hmm. Irish genre film? Er... And then I got stuck. So I watched a film with Kathy Ireland in it. That will have to do.

And now, since I suppose we must, let's get on to the movie itself.

Ms. Ireland, suffering here under the name of Wanda, plays a gangly and bespectacled nerd (see, 'cause of the glasses?), working as a roller-skating waitress whilst on her summer vacation. Her absentee archaeologist father goes missing one day, and, reeling from the humiliation that comes from being dumped for being a gangly and bespectacled roller-skating waitress, she decides to go and find him.

Which takes her to Atlantis.

That's right. The absentee father has accidentally happened upon the Lost City in his travels, and by following his path and falling down a big hole (without even getting a scratch, I might add) young Wanda, too, finds this land of myth and mystery. There she meets many and varied friends, villains and assorted bad actors -- and along the way she loses the glasses. Voila! Instant beauty! Cool. Just hang on a second. Let me try that. Glasses on -- now, glasses off. Damn.

Oh, and she meets a boy. His name is Charmin, and he helps both Wanda and her father (whom, of course, is inevitably found), escape from the fearsome Atlantean military types who think they are spies from the non-existent Earth, or something. I didn't quite get that whole plot point. But then, I wasn't really able to pay too much attention, me being stultifyingly horrified just then by the bad, bad, bad accents from one and all. Really, people!

Anyway, Toilet Paper Boy tries to help her escape from the bad guys, and does a really sucky job of it, too... but there wasn't really any need for him to make the effort, 'cause look! It was all a dream! Wanda, in fact, never left sunny Malibu -- but she can still learn from the lessons of her ridiculous adventure, and now be all gorgeous and stuff. In a predictable and just plain stupid conclusion, Supermodel Wanda kicks some figurative ex-boyfriend butt, and attracts the eye of someone who looks remarkably like the Charmin of her dream... Wait. Alice and Wonderland references (down the hole, it's all a dream) and some it's-all-a-dream-hey-don't-I-know-you Wizard of Oz-ness? Any other classic works you'd like to reference here, movie?

Actually, yes. When you hear that Wanda's surname is Saknussemm, and that her father's name is Professor Arnold Saknussemm, the cleverness becomes clear. Oh, I see! It's Journey to the Centre of the Earth! And the guy at my video store (who knows some deeply scary stuff) told me that those responsible for the wonder of AfLA also produced a remake of the classic tale -- that also has Kathy Ireland as Wanda in it. Excuse me while I rush out to hire that. Gosh, I hope they have it in!

The gang at Mystery Science Theatre 3000, bless their hearts, once gave Alien from L. A. the Satellite of Love treatment -- wish I'd seen it so that I could have avoided watching the whole damn movie -- and, I have discovered, they sung thereon a little ditty dedicated to its star: Oh, Kathy. Oh, Kathy, my wild Erin lassie, you're not just an island to me... Get it? Kathy Ireland. Those guys crack me up. Who else would have thought of using Kathy's surname as a kind of pun?

Oh, yeah. Me. Happy St. Patrick's Day. You realise this made me watch Alien from L.A., right? I hope you're happy, Ireland.

DROOL FACTOR: Thom Matthews, perhaps best known for his work as Freddy in Night of the Living Dead, is pretty scrumptious (very Eighties hair notwithstanding.) As Charmin he is very cool -- I think I remember seeing him wearing his sunglasses at night underground! That is, like, so totally!

GROSS-OUT FACTOR: Oh, man, that voice! It was an over-used motif in the movie that Kathy's seizure-inducing voice gave everyone a headache -- but not an inaccurate one. Aspirin! Where's the aspirin?

STRONG CHICK FACTOR: Wanda's not that bad. Yes, actually, she is! She's bad! She must die! Why the hell didn't she die? Oh, yeah, 'cause she had to be in the sequel, or whatever it is. There's a sequel? Just kill me now.

-- Rachel Hyland

Alien from L.A. is currently available on video -- dammit.

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