Y2KRAP
Why Battlefield Earth, Blair Witch 2 and all those Mars movies make 2000 a year to forget.
      by Sarah Kendzior

But at least Cherry Falls seems original... kind of... sort of... okay, well, no. Perhaps what I meant to say is that at least it's not a sequel, that most dreaded form of genre films whose culmination of crappiness lies in the Friday the 13th series. Friday the 13th is the reason that people make fun of horror movies. Unlike A Nightmare on Elm Street or Halloween, it was never good, it only got worse, and it had Kevin Bacon in these ugly little short-shorts at that. Naturally, in this most terrible of genre years, fans will be greeted with the sight of -- what else? -- Jason X.

Do we really want to see this face again?

However, even for Friday the 13th fans -- who will unlikely be able to leave their sanitariums to see the project anyway -- Jason X represents a new low. Because my own words will likely be too drenched in mockery to paint a fair picture, allow me to present this excerpt from upcomingmovies.com:

In the year 2455, long after humanity has abandoned Earth as a lifeless planet, an expedition of archaeological students discovers a research facility where two people are cryogenically frozen: one a young woman, the other a large male in a strange mask. The ice begins to thaw, and so the students bring the bodies back to their spaceship, having no idea what they just unleashed on the future... and of course, on themselves: Jason.

I really don't have to tell you why that's gonna suck, right?

This year, which saw the release of the inept Scream 3 in February, also brings us three other sequels -- Urban Legends, The Crow: Salvation, and The Blair Witch Project 2. Urban Legends, which really has no right to pay homage to Alien sequel Aliens, is undoubtedly going to be awful, as sequels are generally worse than the original, and when the original is Urban Legend... we're aiming pretty low here. The Crow 3 (is it me or does The Crow seem horribly dated?) was written by Chip Johannessen, who longs to be known for Millennium (well, the first two seasons) but who will always have a special place in my heart for his sterling work on Beverly Hills, 90210. Expect a little of both in the second sequel.

Which leaves The Blair Witch Project 2. Now if you want to see how the filching corporate sleaze of Hollywood has affected independent filmmaking, check this out: the idea for the pseudo-real Blair Witch Project website was copied from that of The Last Broadcast, which Broadcast director Stefan Avalos admitted he swiped from the site for the actual documentary Paradise Lost. Now guess who Artisan hired to direct the Blair Witch sequel? Paradise Lost director Joe Berlinger. Funny how things come full circle like that.

I'm not sure anything about The Blair Witch Project scared me as much as hearing some Artisan honcho proclaim "The Blair Witch is our Freddy!" with great, seemingly unironic, fanfare. I know what Artisan did last summer -- they marketed this sucker into the ground, and I think America's still reeling from the effort. While Berlinger is an undeniable talent, the plot -- a group of teenagers, after seeing the website from the first movie (you know, the one stolen from Avalos stolen from Berlinger), decide to investigate the actual Blair Witch -- is incredibly lame and becomes even lamer when one realizes it was chosen from a pool of ideas from professional screenwriters.

"Is this where the White Zombie auditions are located? I'm hiding the microphone in my pants."

Then again, better screenwriters than Scientologist propagandists. The biggest sci fi movie of the year, outside of a certain comic adaptation which I will get to eventually, is Battlefield Earth, the touching tale of how John Travolta grew to resemble a cross between Bob Marley and a hobgoblin. Battlefield Earth was written by L. Ron Hubbard, known to some as The Lord God. I'm curious whether this scifientology will attract some new converts or just do for the cult -- er, religion -- what Stigmata did for Catholicism. (You know, humiliate it.) It shouldn't be too much of an effort.

On the animated end of things, we have Titan A.E., the moron's answer to The Iron Giant. The great thing about genre films last year was how these small yet wonderful movies managed to get wide release, even if they were wrongly overshadowed by their competition. (Can you believe Iron Giant and Sixth Sense opened on the same weekend? Can you see that happening now?) I've seen a bit of Titan A.E., and it is a long, long way from any recent leaps made in animation. This is in Pokemon territory, minus the surreal humor. And it further promotes what has got to be the most disturbing trend in animated children's films -- partial male nudity. Ever wonder what Freddy on Scooby Doo would look like wearing a teeny little towel? No? Then Titan A.E is most definitely not for you.

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