The St. Francisville Experiment
Saved by the Blair Witch -- but not soon enough.

Picture this: a group of twentysomethings venture to a location where crimes were once committed and where paranormal happenings are now rumored to occur. Armed with their trusty videocamera, the group intends to record what they find at the scene, only to encounter horrors beyond their imagination. Shot in pseudo-documentary style, the film opens with a placard claiming the events in the movie are utterly real and...

There are no pictures available from St. Francisville yet, but this about sums it up.

Oh God. Screw it. We all know where this is going. Yes, it has finally arrived: the first big-screen release of a Blair Witch Project rip-off -- not a parody (although you might think it is at times), not a porn version (although you might wish it is at times, if only to shut up the cast), but a shameless, honest-to-God ripoff. This is The St. Francisville Experiment, and it is arguably the worst horror movie ever made. And I mean ever. Makers of Bats, The Haunting, Supernova and all the other films I have so cluelessly derided over the past year -- I apologize, I have sinned, I had no idea how low things can go. This is it, folks. This is the end of the ride in genre filmmaking. I dare anyone to top The St. Francisville Experiment in terms of utter lack of acting ability, production values, style, imagination, heart, originality, and anything else that makes a film great, or hell, even watchable.

But Sarah, you're saying, Worse than Bats? Worse than... BATS? Oh yes, my friends -- this is far worse than Bats. Bats at least tried. Bats at least made an effort (albeit failed) to have a plot, characterization, scares, a storyline. And for those who felt The Blair Witch Project was a one-note, nausea-incuding hack job that anyone could have made themselves, I've got news for you -- it's not. For all its alleged flaws, The Blair Witch Project contained a semblance of a storyline, some genuinely scary moments, strong acting, and well-developed characters, even if they were annoying at times. In fact, therein lies the crucial difference between the nearly identical Blair and St. Francisville, a difference similar to, say, the minute DNA alteration that separates humans from primates. It's all about the characters.

Because The St. Francisville Experiment is populated entirely by morons.

When I say morons, I don't mean the "Why'd you throw the map away, dumb-ass?" kind of morons we're accustomed to, but really, genuinely stupid people. The protagonists of The St. Francisville Experiment make Josh, Mike and Heather seem like Einstein, Lincoln and Madame Curie. I sincerely hope that these four individuals were actually acting, or I suspect they'll all be committed upon the film's release. Tim, Paul, Madison and Ryan are either mentally incapacitated (in which case I'll forgive them) or the worst actors I have ever seen. This is a paranormal docudrama made by and starring rejects of Saved by the Bell -- wait, no, that's too kind, let's make that Hang Time -- vacant, slow-minded bimbos and himbos who seem barely capable of speaking in full sentences, much less improvising convincing dialogue.

This is what St. Francisville looks like, only the cinematography's not quite as sharp.

The film opens with the introduction of these four charming individuals, who are to spend one night in a haunted house and record what happens. All of these characters play a different role -- the filmmaker, the ghost hunter, the "historian" (that would be Ryan, who, for reasons unknown, spends half the movie with her shirt tucked into her bra) and the New Age freak (Madison, who encourages the camera to focus on her breasts to "see how fast my heart is beating"). The camera stylings of these individuals make the quick-jerk camera motions of Blair Witch look like vintage Kubrick -- although I suppose St. Francisville is superior, as these characters manage to record themselves when in the room alone without a camera. Plus, they just have such powerful observational skills ("I think this is the stairwell") and self-referential wit ("Anyone seen Blair Witch?"), that you can't help being grateful that absolutely nothing scary happens to them, and that they end the movie in essentially the same state that they arrived, with no progression in the story or the characterization at all.

When the low-budget Blair Witch debuted last summer, the response was split between those who saw the do-it-yourself mentality of the film as a beacon for imaginative yet fund-deprived filmmakers and those who feared Blair's lack of traditional narrative and technique would lead to hack work on an epic scale. I was in the first camp, and I'm sad to say that St. Francisville has pushed me into the latter. For all the ways a big-budget film (like Supernova or The Haunting) is bad, it's not bad like this. You can at least count on a modicum of professionalism, and on the presence of actors who, while who might not be at their best, are still actors. Like most people, I am not a filmmaker or an actress, and don't wish to become either. When I go to the movies, I want to see something that I am incapable of creating myself.

But I, like the majority of the world, probably have a million St. Francisville Experiments on video at home -- that footage of the dog going swimming, for instance, or of Christmas at grandma's house. The quality of this film is literally as bad and inept as anything I may have shot in my backyard -- only my errors are unintentional and have not been purchased by a studio for over a million dollars. The St. Francisville Experiment is a do-it-yourself movie in a truly new sense -- as in I'd recommend you all to just make your own Blair rip-offs at home and spare yourselves the pain of enduring this one.

DROOL FACTOR: Forget about it. Tim and Paul are strictly from the Sweet Valley Hell school of horror stardom -- blank-eyed, untalented himbos with deep tans, bad haircuts and no personality. On the other hand, catch `em while you can, `cause I doubt you're gonna be seeing them again after this baby gets released.

GROSS-OUT FACTOR: Anything and everything. But in the traditional sense -- no, no gore, no special FX, no scariness other than seeing a studio get so incredibly suckered.

STRONG CHICK FACTOR: You'll find better acting (and better-looking chicks) in the Erotic Witch Project -- hell, you'd find it in a group of comatose mimes for that matter.

-- Sarah Kendzior

The St. Francisville Experiment releases nationwide on September 8, 2000.

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