The X-Files
"Theef"

Airdate: March 12, 2000

"This is the script? You can't be serious!"

"Stinky good."

This is what it has come down to, folks. That is an actual excerpt of dialogue from the X-Files episode "Theef", yet another bad, stand-alone endeavor from Frank Spotnitz, Vince Gilligan, and John Shiban. "Stinky good." I don't even know where to begin. How does one review an episode whose pithy sentiments are as mentioned and whose longer ones are along the lines of "Don't look like no popping corn to me"? Stinky not good? Stinky bad? Stinky friggin' sucks?

Well, let's give it a try: Bad episode. Episode no plot. Episode have degrading stereotypes. Of rural Southerners. Again. Episode butchers great actor. See James Morrison. James scared. James no want to be on X-Files. Run, James, run! Run to The Others! James run fast. James get good show. 'Cause stinky not good.

"I'm gonna kill you, you lousy pillow!"

Not good at all.

"Theef", which is spelled wrong purposely because, as we know, all rural, southern individuals are uneducated hicks who practice weird, cult-like religions, and can't spell to save their lives. This is the umpteenth rendition of this stereotype, and it is one of the most ludicrous incarnations to date. The protagonist of "Theef" is one Oral Peattie (that's a person, not a disease), a master of the black arts who nonetheless has not discovered that magical ingredient known as toothpaste. Yes, his hair is matted, his teeth are moldy, his intentions evil, and his accent thick. Surprise, surprise. And who better for this exaggerated, nonsensical creation to torment than another living stereotype?

"Sometimes people do other things in bed than sleep, Scully." "Wow, really? Cool!"

Unfortunately, this stereotype -- the urbane, insensitive doctor so unaware of the less-educated in his shallow, material life -- is played by none other than the great actor James Morrison, late of Space: Above and Beyond and who will also be appearing in an upcoming episode of The Others later this season. James plays Robert Wieder, a physician who allowed Oral's daughter to die after she was admitted to the hospital as a Jane Doe. Now Oral's out for revenge in the form of voodoo dolls that kill Robert's family off one by one. To make things even more perplexing, Oral leaves misspelled messages all over the good doctor's house, deeming him a "Theef" for taking away his little girl. Yawn.

What a bad, corny episode. On the plus side, it was beautifully directed, as Kim Manners episodes always are, and the gory sequences were technically well-crafted. Other than that... what is there to say about an episode which features an actor as talented as Morrison and fails to do anything remotely interesting with him? Or where both Mulder and Scully play second string to a character so convoluted I'm surprised my television allowed him to appear in all of two dimensions? Or where the plot is so old and unoriginal that it's worn to the point of being thread-bare? There may be no "I" in “Theef", but there's enough in "insipid", "idiotic" and "inconsequential" to more than compensate. Stinky bad indeed.

-- Sarah Kendzior

The X-Files airs at 9pm EST/8pm MNT, Sundays on Fox.

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