An Angel on My Desk
Where do we get those wonderful toys?
      by Rachel Hyland

Okay, I'm back now.

Toys, toys, wonderful toys. Toys that lead to TV shows, TV shows that lead to movies, movies that lead to video games -- and of course, the vice versa of all of those statements -- keep us all in a positive frenzy of spending and planning to spend, and of fending off requests from the children of siblings, friends, acquaintances and complete strangers for the latest Disney tie-in. How delighted must Playskool have been when the folks at Pixar put Mr. Potato Head, who first appeared in the 1950s, into the hit movie Toy Story? Sales of the over-forty tuber exploded, and the film's other stars, Woody and Buzz Lightyear, were destined to become best-selling toys in their own right. Well, they were already best-selling toys in their universe. What made the kids of the real world think that they were more discerning than Andy? And why on earth would any of them want one of those ditzy Barbies out of Toy Story 2, when they could have a... an equally as ditzy Bo Peep?

Yes, just as it has always been, toys are a feminist issue. The fact that women like to collect action figures sometimes comes as something of a surprise to manufacturers, which is all the stranger when you consider that it is girls who are indoctrinated, almost from birth, with a love of dolls. These manufacturers produce more than ten versions of Star Trek: The Next Generation's Worf in various costumes, and yet fail to provide a single figure of Seven of Nine with a bad hair day. They give us Ewan McGregor as Obi Wan Kenobi, but do they make the clothes removable? Of course not. But then, the fact that there are many models of the practically naked comic book babe Vampirella available, but none of studly Marvel hero Thor, and that you can get four versions of Buffy, three of Willow, and one of The Master, if you please, and yet no Xander, Oz or Spike -- yet -- speaks volumes. At least the version of Angel is in leather pants, though.

I really do have an Angel on my desk. The day that Moore Action Collectibles, bless their collective little hearts, released their Buffy range was one of the happiest of my life. The next peak of happiness I am expecting to hit (pity me) is the day that Toys R Us proclaims itself as X-Men Headquarters, and releases its selection of X-Men licensed merchandise in the lead-up to X-Men: The Movie's July 14 opening. Patrick Stewart (already perhaps the most-action-figured man alive, with over twenty versions of himself produced in the course of his career as Trek captain Jean-Luc Picard) will get a new look as Professor Charles Xavier. Ian McKellen, as Magneto, will get some practice at having his own action figure prior to his turn as Gandalf in 2001's certain blockbuster, The Fellowship of the Ring. And Anna Paquin, as Rogue, will finally get the action figure that every Academy Award winner deserves.

And then, of course, she, a New Zealander, can run for Parliament. Jerry Doyle, Security Chief Garibaldi of Babylon 5, is running for Congress, and he has an action figure or two. Warren Beatty, who was rumoured as a Presidential candidate, was immortalised as Dick Tracy, and Geri Halliwell (Ginger Spice), now some kind of UN spokesperson or something, has a couple of dolls of her own (including one from the highly underrated Spice Girls Movie.) That's what world politics is missing! Action figures! People are just inherently cooler once you can buy replicas of them and put them on a shelf -- or hang them by their neck swinging from a tree in the backyard, as the case my be. Come on, who would you rather vote for, an actual politician or, say, Senator Palpatine from Episode 1? Sure, he's the bad guy (sorry if that spoils things for anyone), but, look, action figure! I rest my case.

We genre fans dig our shows and movies, and so dig the toys that result from them -- or that resulted in them. Toy companies like Moore and McFarlane bring out good quality, often eerie representations of our heroes and anti-heroes (the McFarlane "Movie Maniacs" collection includes some of the scariest serial killers in film ever -- and I'm suddenly rethinking my "vote for anyone who has an action figure" idea), while others, like Playmates and Kenner, all too often produce, y'know, drek. But we buy it, and we'll keep on buying it, and... maybe it's not so weird after all. Why should I be ashamed to have Captains Picard and Kirk in a perpetual tussle for supremacy, or Agent Mulder kissing Agent Scully (I'm pretty sure that's the only reason anyone bought those two), or to have Spiderman climbing up my wall?

I mean, I have Angel on my desk, don't I, for all the world to see? He's got a little sword and everything! Now I just need to get my Buffy her own sword, and then I can re-enact that final, heart-wrenching battle from "Becoming Part 2," score music and all. And when I'm done with that, I'll find my Enterprise model and pit it against a Starfury, and then I'll get my Michael Keaton version of Batman and put him in a Death Match with the George Clooney, and then I'll grab my Official Pokemon Card Game and see if I can figure out a way to play it in tandem with Magic: The Gathering...

And then I think I'll go and buy that chess set.

We welcome your comments on The 11th Hour and this feature. Please send letters to: letters@the11thhour.com

< Previous Page