The X-Files
"Fight Club"

"Fight Club"
Airdate: May 7, 2000

"My, Scully's looking hideous today... oh, wait, never mind."

"Your voice is like a sledgehammer on my ears!"

Never have truer words been spoken. Just when you thought The X-Files couldn't get a more grating guest star than Victoria Jackson, Chris Carter manages to top himself yet again with not one, but two, for the love of God, two Kathy Griffins in the Carter-penned episode "Fight Club". It's a safe bet this disjointed, lame episode will probably not be easily confused with the far superior David Fincher movie of the same name. But then the current state of The X-Files makes Elmo in Grouchland look like an Oscar contender.

"Fight Club" actually begins somewhat promisingly, with cool camera shots and a Twilight Zone-esque eerieness. The teaser, with its sparring Jehovah's Witnesses and Mulder and Scully doppelgangers, is cleverly directed and entertaining. But -- as with so many episodes of the last 2-3 years -- the inevitable plunge into mediocrity follows, just like David Duchovny being sucked down a sewer drain. Unfortunately, the ridiculous plots (the garbage monster, the snake guy, and too many more to mention) of the last few years make it almost impossible to know if this comical scene was intentionally funny or just a metaphor for poor David Duchovny's career.

But "Fight Club" does have its moments of humor, intentional or not: the Mulder and Scully look-a-likes, and the hilarious Mr. "What's so special about you?!" Damphus, father of those two abominations of humanity -- Griffin's Lulu and Betty. For those of you who are still trying to follow the non-existent plot-lines of recent episodes that keep getting harder and harder to discern, here's what little of an actual plot remains.

"What happened? Did he kiss her without a muzzle?"

Two Jehovah's Witnesses are riding along cheerfully on their bicycles through yet another one of those perfect little towns until they come to the house of that red-head from Hell, Betty (or Lulu -- not like the writers tried to distinguish between the two) who has recently moved in. Continuing on their way, they come to the home of another red-headed demonspawn who somehow manages to make them start fighting each other. Mayhem ensues. Two familiar FBI agents come to investigate the strange assault -- but, wait! -- it's not Mulder and Scully after all, it's their stunt doubles! Neat trick, Chris Carter. Next time if you'd put as much thought into the other forty-four minutes of the episode, the series could stop sucking so hard. After the two doppelganger agents are done laying the smackdown on each other, the real Mulder and Scully come to investigate the troublesome twins in this Suddenly Susan crossover episode.

Does anyone even remember anymore when Chris Carter swore that there would never be any celebrity guests on the show? Sure, sometimes a celebrity is integral to the episode, like Gary Shandling's portrayal of Mulder in Duchovny's smart but flawed "Hollywood A.D." But what... why... how could Kathy Griffin get her own guest spot? Isn't there any other actress in the world who would be better? Why give her two roles in a single episode when that space could be so better filled by a leather-clad Alex Krycek, who has been ignored all season long?

Another cruel conspiracy of that evil, evil man Chris Carter. Instead of everyone's beloved Ratboy we get Griffin's obnoxious Lulu and Betty, who just happen to look exactly the same and just happen to have been living the same life for the last decade, and cause all sorts of kooky chaos whenever they're in a room together.

"Watch it pal, I'm carrying a highly contagious form of careerus endus."

Hmmm, wait a minute... two identical women with a psychic connection and similar lives who cause mass destruction whenever they're near each other, both in love with the same guy... wasn't this the exact same plot of Season 3's "Syzygy"? Except while "Syzygy" was a decent episode back in the days when the episodes still had plots -- and usually interesting ones -- "Fight Club" tries too hard to be clever and profound and sacrifices any kind of coherency in order to do so. It's a sad day in X-Filesdom when Carter starts stealing ideas from his own rather average episodes to produce an even more mediocre piece of crap like "Fight Club". And did I mention that Kathy Griffin is in it?

Not that the other actors are much better. Burt "the Titanic" Zupanic, an amateur wrestler who gives the WWF a bad name, is a bizarre cross between Tommy Lee Jones and Richard Simmons. He is not only in love with both those freaks of society but also has his own trouble-making twin. Wow, it's just like Dostoevsky's The Double, only Dostoevsky understood the importance of character development and an interesting, coherent plot -- which was at one time The X-Files's trademark, but now something Chris Carter and every other X-Files writer seems to have forgotten.

And so once again X-philes are subjected to yet another potentially interesting but ultimate waste of an episode that makes the adventures of the Sweet Valley Twins seem profound by comparison. Where are Elizabeth and Jessica Wakefield when you need them?

-- Christina Brzustoski

The X-Files airs at 9pm EST, Sundays on Fox.

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