Star Trek: Generations
The Next Generation farewell Kirk, the Enterprise and interesting plots...

It's no secret that I love me some Trek. See, it says so here. I adore the premise, I admire the ethics, I appreciate the humour, I ponder the allegories. And I hate Generations.

Oh, okay, hate is a pretty strong word. Dislike. Disapprove of. Dis... other things. I am entirely opposed to this movie, and I'll tell you why. It's boring. It's illogical. It's depressing. And Captain Kirk dies. Now, don't get me wrong here. It was about time for William Shatner to hang up the toupee, to get back to writing Tek books about a guy called Cardigan (of all things), and mooching off Trek fans by charging thousands of dollars for appearances. But the premise of this film is that Kirk dies while saving the Enterprise B from an entirely pathetic danger, then remains in some kind of cosmic holodeck fantasy, only to come out of it when Picard enlists his help to save a planet (not Earth, this time), after which he is killed. Doesn't sound too bad, you think? Sounds like maybe it might be pretty much a day at the office for the Star Trek producers to make a blockbuster out of this plot?

Allow me to disabuse you of this notion.

It all starts with the very cool effect of a bottle of champagne flying through space to christen the brand new Enterprise B, pride of Starfleet and under the command of Captain John Harriman. There for the commissioning ceremony are original Enterprise officers Montgomery Scott, Pavel Chekov... and James T. Kirk. When disaster strikes and an El Aurian ship full of refugees is caught in an energy ribbon that threatens to tear them apart, the newly-minted Enterprise is the only ship in the area (isn't it always?) and must find a way to rescue them. Harriman, who either bought, blackmailed, or butt-kissed his way to the captaincy, has no plan, so Kirk steps in, saves the aliens, and disappears somewhere into the deep black night...

Captain Picard and crew, many decades later, are suffering from no such emergencies. They are, instead, suffering from too much time on their hands, as they hang out aboard Captain Hook's ship, congratulating Security Chief Worf on his promotion to Lieutenant-Commander (who says cops don't get the respect they deserve?) and just generally goofing off. To illustrate this, Worf is sent overboard into the "water," and there are laughs aplenty. But when Data, in an attempt to join in on the jollity, pushes Dr. Crusher into the deep blue, the crew turn on him, shocked and dismayed. Did they not get the joke? Dr. Crusher got pushed into the water. Data's a comic genius.

But, of course, it cannot all be playtime in the holodeck. This is a Trek adventure, so, of course, peril must befall. And the peril arrives in the form of a distress call from a research station, under attack. There we meet Dr. Soran (Malcolm McDowell), a scientist... and, it later transpires, the bad guy. He is, in fact, one of the El Aurians rescued by Kirk from that energy ribbon, back in the day, and he is in league with the Duras sisters, Klingon renegades, for reasons that just scream "plot device!" Soran, it turns out, wants to return to that energy ribbon that Kirk so selfishly lost his life to pull him from. This ribbon, the Nexus, is a place of complete happiness, of ultimate content, and Soran plots to wipe out an entire civilization in order that he should return to it. Well, he is the bad guy.

And from there on out... well, it all pretty much ends, in one way or another. Soran gets to the Nexus, so does Picard. Picard meets there a shadow of Guinan (a long-lived El Aurian from that rescued ship herself, and a total bitch for not telling Starfleet about the Borg from whom she and her kind had been fleeing all those years ago), who advises him to go and gain the help of Kirk. What, that Kirk? Yes, that Kirk. Picard does so, they fight the bad guy, they lose, they go back into the Nexus, come out again, fight him again, Kirk dies, Picard decides not to fix that by revisiting the Nexus, and Soran is foiled.

Oh, and the Enterprise is destroyed by the Duras sisters' over-age cruiser and crash lands on the planet. That'll teach 'em to let Deanna Troi drive.

Is it any wonder I hate this movie? Or at least, hate-is-such-a-strong-word it? While there are some great lines, some fun moments, and some excellent Industrial Light and Magic-provided special effects, it's still totally disappointing in Trek -- and it's a pointless waste of a perfectly good starship. As cool as the crash was (did I mention that the effects really, really were), it was still wrong.

Now, the bright spots in the movie. Data, with his "emotion chip" installed, is wacky android-y fun; Worf, for once in his life, manages to hit the broad side of a planet with the phasers; and Picard, dear Picard, cries. While in uniform. But then again, when is he ever out of uniform? Indeed, when are any of them? Even when indulging in a celebration on the holodeck, our heroes are in strict, all-be-it old-fashioned, uniform, and Kirk, living out his dream existence, is still clad in the regulation red of his time. Speaking of that red, why is it that the Federation hardly deviated from that Star Trek II - VI style for so long (right up till Rachel Garrett commanded the Enterprise C, many decades after the opening scenes of Generations), yet they now change uniform styles to coincide with the release of each new movie? While the penguin pyjamas of Star Trek: The Motion Picture clearly had to go, what makes them continue to upgrade the current day jumpsuits between films? It couldn't be to sell action figures, could it? Could they be so mercenary?

Actually, in many ways, Star Trek has always been about the clothes. The colours of the uniforms in The Original Series denoted department (as they continue to even now), and the aforementioned long-lived red suits also told the viewer just where the crewmember they were looking at belonged in the Starfleet hierarchy. No matter which of the many bipedal, "humanoid" alien species a character belongs to on Trek, if they're wearing that uniform, they must be "one of ours." In the old days, the only way one could tell a Vulcan from a Romulan was the uniform they were wearing (when and why did Romulans develop that overhanging brow line?), and while a Klingon can certainly be identified by their forehead ridges more readily than by their outfits, a warrior of Qo'nos is nothing without his or her leather. Behold the Duras sisters, Lursa and B'Etor, and their cleavage-exposing ensembles. Oooh, they're scary.

To the Trek universe's costume department, many congratulations. Your creations have captured fan admiration and imagination, have become inextricably entwined with the mythos, and are very well represented in the movie Generations. But as loyal as our boys and girls in black, red, burgundy, teal and mustard are to their uniforms (and as well as many of them carry it off), that does not negate one fact: this movie sucked. I, a Trek fan till the day I die, never, ever want to watch it again. It may even be worse than the Shatner-directed Star Trek IV: The Final Frontier...

On second thoughts... nah.

DROOL FACTOR: Despite the regrettable lack of Wesley Crusher (Wil Wheaton), there are still some enticing Trek men around. Riker is charm incarnate, with his cocky swagger, his smiling eyes. Geordi (LeVar Burton) has always been a favourite of mine, and Picard is apparently some women's cup of tea, Earl Grey, hot. Meanwhile, the episode "The Naked Now" established that Data is fully-functional...

GROSS-OUT FACTOR: Since nothing in Trek will ever top those slimy worm thingies put in people's ears from The Wrath of Kahn, there's nothing here to worry about.

STRONG CHICK FACTOR: Dr. Crusher is, as always, all-but ignored (except in the being-pushed-in-the-sea department), Deanna Troi is mere set decoration (who crashes the ship!), and Guinan continues to be way too inscrutable. It is Lursa and B'Etor, their Klingon foes, who are the really powerful women in this film. Oh, and they die in it too.

-- Rachel Hyland

Star Trek: Generations is, unsurprisingly, currently available on video and DVD.

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