Do the words "Shiban" and "Spanish title" strike abject terror into your heart? Does the phrase "former Saturday Night Live cast member" now bear connotations more ominous than previously imaginable? Hate the convoluted myth-arc, the dumbed-down characters, the sad excuse for plot and the general demise of what was once one of the best shows on television? Well, you're not alone -- we at The 11th Hour feel your pain, and thus present you with this helpful list of what went wrong, who's responsible, and whose employment can only be explained by an in-depth look into the black arts: The 1999 Golden Squirrel Awards. The esteemed recipients of this honor were determined after a long and arduous voting process among our staff, one that ultimately moved one intrepid judge to declare: "Wow, guys! It's a veritable suckfest!" So with no further ado, we present to you the Golden Squirrels, listed, of course, in condescending order...

10. "Dreamland", Parts 1 and 2
Season 6. Written by Frank Spotnitz, John Shiban, and Vince Gilligan

"Dreamland" was chosen not so much for the episode itself, but for the phenomenon it spawned: the nefarious "X-Files Lite", visible in such future studies in degradation as "Arcadia", "How the Ghosts Stole Christmas" and the downright satanic "Rain King" (Golden Squirrel #4). The presence of Michael McKean and Nora Dunn initiated an unwanted new XF trend: Guest appearances by ex-SNL members who are no longer funny. And just what is The X-Files, once one of the darkest series on TV, doing with a two-part comedy episode in the first place? (Besides unsuccessfully trying to ape Darin Morgan, that is.) Remarks one of our judges: "I kept waiting for Squiggy to burst through a door and say, 'Hallo!' As it turns out, Squiggy would have been the high point."

9. "Sanguinarium"
Season 4. Written by Vivian and Valerie Mayhew

The most deadly women to ever grace The X-Files (well, until Victoria Jackson), the Mayhew sisters inspired one of our panelists to comment: "There's a couple of writers who need to put down the bong... or maybe just be put down." The shameless exercise from the all-gore-no-plot school of writing somehow managed to be both bland and gratuitous. Not to mention that the whole pulling off your face thing is straight outta Scooby Doo.

8. "Christmas Carol"/"Emily"
Season 5. Written by Frank Spotnitz, John Shiban and Vince Gilligan

Much like "Dreamland", these episodes are most noteworthy for signaling the beginning of the Dumbed-Down XF -- and introducing its new hero, Stupid Scully. Unlike the previous Scully who managed to be smart, sensitive and strong all at once, this new version set a fine precedent for her future incarnation as Scully Barbie. Must she always be the victim now? Yes, of course -- she's a woman, after all. Not to mention that the second half of the episode was as hokey and unbelievable as they come. "Scully's got an alien kid. Sounds more like an episode of Springer," noted one skeptical judge. At parts of this snoozefest, we wished it were.

7. "Travelers"
Season 5. Written by Frank Spotnitz and John Shiban

Spotnitz and Shiban: It's About Suppression. The deadly duo combined their disregard for continuity, creativity and general watchability to come up with this pathetic excuse for an episode that "makes Dark Skies seem Shakespearean by comparison." They did have a little help on the way from the I-wanna-be-in-LA-with-Tea-NOW Diva Duchovny, who contributed the brilliant ideas of having Mulder smoke and wear a wedding ring in a completely out-of-character flashback sequence. And forcing guest star Darren McGavin to suffer through this visual Sominex is just plain mean.

6. "Schizogeny"
Season 5. Written by Jessica Scott and Mike Wollaeger

Help, help, the FRICKIN' TREES are out to get me! Ripping off Psycho, The Evil Dead and everything in between, this ABC Afterschool Special meets homicidal horticulture was so bad it reportedly almost never aired at all. The trees are all dying because of a "bad man", grimly intones one of the episode's non-characters -- obviously referring to whatever clod let this cringe-worthy mess get on TV.

5. "Chinga"
Season 5. Original by Stephen King. Overwritten by Chris Carter

It's a well-documented fact that every Spanish-titled episode of The X-Files just sucks (see Golden Squirrels #2 and #3), but this exercise in egotism had us chanting Chinga tu producer! all the way through. Now let's see... Stephen King, arguably the greatest horror writer of all time, volunteers to pen an episode of your series. You can either a) humbly bow and worship the man for the god he is and leave his inimitable words alone or b) declare yourself superior and rewrite the whole thing. The immense stupidity of this shockingly bad episode speaks plainly of which option Chri$ Carter chose. "Unadulterated blasphemy," notes one still-traumatized judge. Another panelist had a different complaint: "Not only does it just plain suck, but they tried the old Wongian trick of killing people to strange music. I would say 'Nice try'... but it wasn't."

4. "The Rain King"
Season 6. Written by Jeffrey Bell

"May God have mercy on all our souls," bemoans a wounded viewer of this saccharine, unwatchable, dreadfully conceived piece of fluff that even in the era of Shiban should not be permitted to bear the title "X-File." The ultimate in X-Files Lite, this episode includes an appearance by SNL's Victoria Jackson (mwaaaaghhh-er, sorry, gut reaction) who was never funny to begin with and is downright horrifying in this episode. "Any negativity towards David Duchovny's attitude has now been revoked," says one of our panelists, "If my job included kissing that grotesque excuse for an actress, I'd be bitching too." Not to mention the fact it hailed goddamn hearts! We've seen more meaningful plots on The Weather Channel. Another judge sums the whole thing up rather succinctly: "Pardon me while I vomit. Predictable and pedantic."

3. "Tesos Dos Bichos"
Season 3. Written by John Shiban

The episode that first proved that when John Shiban meets foreign languages, it's not going to be pretty. Notes one judge, "I'm fairly sure the title translates to 'Shiban is Evil.'" The episode that inspired Gillian Anderson to deem it the "killer kitty" show, this was for a long time considered the reigning File of Suckdom-that is, until the fourth, fifth and sixth seasons came along. Still, this insipid excuse for an episode, with its inane script, predictable storyline, and huge sympathy factor for Gillian and David for having to endure this crap, makes "Tesos" a work whose complete lack in quality remains timeless.

2. "El Mundo Gira"
Season 4. Written by John Shiban

El Chupacabra wasn't the only thing that sucked here, and goats weren't the only victims. Described by one brave judge as "crap so bad it had to be watched twice to be believed," this second Spanish-titled episode from subtlety-barren Shiban was a racist, obnoxious entry that stands as his worst to date -- a rather formidable achievement. Containing such winning dialogue as "Two brothers. One woman. Trouble", this insulting episode played like a paranormal West Side Story with characters that redefined the word "stereotype." Remarks one of our panelists, "This episode is The People's Exhibit A in 'Good Taste versus John Shiban.'" Ruben Blades' slip into the Dark Side of the Force was one we certainly could have done without -- along with Shiban's heavy-handed yet ignorant approach to social issues.

1. "Post-Modern Prometheus"
Season 5. Written by Chris Carter

The penultimate tribute to shameless egotism, this pretentious, insulting, pathetic excuse for an episode stands as the Crown Glory of the Golden Squirrels. "Post-Modern Prometheus", in fact, redefines Squirreldom. Fueled by a sneering, hateful condescension for every character, this episode counts among its crimes the glorification of rape, a complete disregard for good direction or cinematography, the butchering of a classic horror tale, and the presence of Jerry Springer, a Cher lookalike, and that godawful "Walking in Memphis" song. Self-satisfied and beyond pretentious, the episode's attempts at horror in-jokes (the title, the character named "Pollidori") only reassert the fact that Chri$ Carter is way out of his league. "It played like Chris had sent one of his flunkies to raid the back lot garbage bins and found an old, REJECTED Moonlighting script stuck to the inside of one," comments one judge. "Maddy = Scully and David = Mulder … Waalaaa!" The fact that Carter received an Emmy nomination for this raging suckfest only proves he's still using the same black-magic mojo that keeps John Shiban gainfully employed. Let's just hope he doesn't use those dark powers to topple this Squirrel during X-Files' seventh season…but we at The 11th Hour aren't holding our breath.