Of all the classic movie monsters, The Mummy has always been the goofiest; stumbling along at a snail's pace, moaning pseudo-Egyptian through a façade of white gauze, he has historically triumphed due more to his victims' rank stupidity and propensity towards walking in slow-motion than to any ingenuity of his own. However, the unintentional humor of the old Universal and Hammer flicks never belied the fact that this was, indeed, a horror film; the new, $80-million remake of The Mummy, on the other hand, shoots for straight action and comedy, as if studio heads deemed the very concept of an actually scary monster movie too ridiculous for today's jaded audience to accept. (No doubt the rejected Mummy projects by Clive Barker and George Romero, among others, would have proved them differently.) Still, the worst thing about this resoundingly mediocre Mummy is that it fails even as light-hearted adventure fare; while boasting incredible sets, makeup and special FX, it ultimately falls flat with one-dimensional characters and a story thinner than the skin of its icky protagonist.

The film begins promisingly enough; set in a beautiful and realistic ancient Egypt, the film shows us exactly how prince Imhotep (Arnold Vosloo, looking like a Satanic version of Mr. Clean) became the title character. This is creepy, compelling stuff, and it lasts a whole 10 minutes before we're introduced to the real Mummy's curse: its characters. Universal may have been seeking to ape the Indiana Jones series, but these guys play more like a grown-up version of The Goonies. Brendan Fraser as adventurer Rick O'Connell is the best of the bunch; always charming and likeable (not to mention hot), he handles his moronic dialogue with grace and style. One can't say the same for Evelyn (played by newcomer Rachel Weisz), Rick's romantic foil who comes across like a hoochie version of Mary Poppins. Another annoying British stereotype follows in Evelyn's beyond irritating brother Jonathon (John Hannah), whose entire dialogue seems to consist of "Oh! I say!", "Chop-chop!" and "Right-oh, chap!" If Jonathan is the C-3PO of the bunch, then Beni (Kevin J. O'Connor) is the movie's Jar Jar -- snivelly, slimy and the master of thoroughly non-funny comic interludes, he manages to spoil what might have been perfectly entertaining scenes. Woefully brief appearances by Ardeth Bey (Oded Fehr; see Drool Factor below) keep the film from growing entirely intolerable.

The best parts of The Mummy lie in its impressive use of CGI as well as the detail of its exotic sets and natural beauty of its Moroccan shooting location. Phantom Menace's CGI man Nick Dudman managed to make the partially-decomposed Mummy actually frightening -- well, he would be if the inane script didn't have him afraid of cats. This version of The Mummy actually has some impressive powers here other than, well, being undead: among other talents, he can create powerful sandstorms and unleash thousands of icky, deadly bugs all at once. However, these powers don't really serve any constructive purpose in terms of plot or character development; instead, they exist only as a means to show off some really cool FX. Had the film progressed logically, The Mummy would have annihilated the entire cast, save Fraser and Fehr. (Hell, I know I would have, even without an army of undead warriors to back me up.) But The Mummy just serves as another example of horror refusing to be dark or genuinely frightening -- joining the irony-land of Scream rip-offs, this immense lightening in tone of a classic horror tale is scary for all the wrong reasons.

DROOL FACTOR: Two words: Oded Fehr. He plays Ardeth Bey, the Egyptian guardian of the tomb who has Arabic written over his face -- Arabic which undoubtedly translates as "Look at me; I am so hot!" Fraser's no slouch either, but Fehr makes this flick worthwhile.

GROSS-OUT FACTOR: CGI beetles make skin crawl-literally. The Mummy yukes up tons of icky flies, not to mention spending much of the movie in a partially decomposed state, thanks to awesome FX and makeup from Nick Dudman.

STRONG CHICK FACTOR: Were the suck factor for the rest of the characters not so high, wussy Evelyn would lose big-time here, but compared to Beni and Jonathon, this chick's a bastion of cool.