"C" Is For Conspiracy
I'm on to you Philbin, you alien scum!
      by Julie Ng

Who ya gonna call?. The line echoes across the electronics section of a local department store. As I approach its original source on a big screen TV, I witness a little boy tugging at his father's pant legs.

"Dad, when I grow up, I'm gonna be a Ghostbuster, okay?"

It's natural human behavior to have these career dreams and aspirations growing up. I've heard 'em all, from wanting to be a Russian Cosmonaut to Rod Rowland's masseuse, from bike courier to funeral director. But one thing I'm sure I've never caught a human being saying is that their dream job to be a Statistician; that distinctly non-human eagerness to meticulously fill out spreadsheets, calculate percentages, shares, oddball statistics. For example, did you know that it takes 3,000 cows to supply the NFL with enough leather for one year's supply of footballs? Of course you didn't! But there are beings out there whose actual job it is to calculate these banal facts.

Roswell's Brendan Fehr, sporting hair from another planet.

In recent years, Newsweek statisticians collected the following vital information about our lives:

48% of Americans think that UFOs are real.
29% think we have made contact with aliens.
48% think there is a government cover up of UFO knowledge.

Ask yourself how this relates to the national census -- the cataloguing of our human population. You see what I'm getting at here, don't you? The first UFO landed so long ago that the aliens have had plenty of time to blend in; to learn and emulate the behaviour of the very human population they've been so busy counting as statisticians! You've encountered their empty stares and wooden nods, as though they're tape-recording every word you speak. I know you have. Sure, there are the obvious ones, who perhaps act Nazi-like in their ways and eat live rats on their lunch breaks. Or perhaps they are young teenagers who are just a little too good looking, like they belong on a WB show or something. But maybe, the only clue you ever needed was that they were just really, really good at math. Unbelievable, but true!

Before I get into the heart of this conspiracy theory, take yourself through my little self-test, How To Tell If You're An Alien.

Do you sometimes feel like you're treated like an outsider? Feel betrayed by society? Do you prefer to watch bad television or download Internet porn rather than connect with your fellow human race? Do you hate broccoli?

Relax, you're only human. Proceed to level two.

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