My Best Friend Is A Vampire

It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a teenage boy in the throws of puberty must be in want of some sex. And, hey, if he's any kind of delivery-type person, he is more than likely to get it. Clichés, generalizations and stereotypes these may be, but as Jeremy Capello (Robert Sean Leonard) proves, they can lead to some interesting consequences.

Like, say, becoming a vampire.

High School cutie Jeremy (whom many will recognize as the High School cutie from Dead Poet's Society) is making a little extra cash by delivering something or other to the creepy house of an exotic older woman (whom not so many will recognize as the daughter of Gregory Peck.) When she invites him to return to her house later in the evening for a little... tip... he agonizes over the decision in a most un-teenage-boy like manner. But his best-friend urges he follow his urges, and so Jeremy goes ahead and lives the dream... only to be interrupted inflagrante delicto by an outraged man whom he believes to be his inamorata's husband. Which is perhaps borne out in that the guy proceeds to kill her. Turns out that he is not an outraged spouse, however -- dozens of True Crime made-for-TV movies to the contrary. No, he's a vampire hunter, determined to rid the world of this scourge... and now that he's dealt with the beauty who gave our hero one hell of a hickey, he's now after the once-bitten, demon-ridden Jeremy.

Through twists and turns aplenty, some ridiculous car chases and some truly strange vampire lore (including the revelation that vampirism acts slowly upon the body -- even to the point of new vampire Jeremy going out in daylight), Jeremy gets himself a mentor, Modoc (Rene Auberjonois, whom many will recognize as Constable Odo from Star Trek: Deep Space Nine); a handbook (the best-selling Vampirism - A Guide To An Alternative Lifestyle); and a girlfriend, in the sweet, studious and terrifyingly permed form of Darla Blake (Cheryl Pollack, whom very few will recognize from her starring role as Rita in The Heights. Of which I am one, Lord help me.) There is also a disturbing moment with Jeremy, Darla, and Darla's parents, one of which is a pre-Misery Kathy Bates... and I just can't think of it without feeling ill. I'll stop now.

Professor McCarthy (David Warner) was the guy who killed the vamp vampiress, and he has quite the mission: to kill 'em all. He gets our Jeremy in his sights, and he just won't leave him alone. Meanwhile, I kept expecting him to capture Jeremy and demand that he acknowledge that "there are five lights! There are five lights!" (Sorry -- a little Star Trek joke there.) Anyway, Gul Madred... er... I mean, Klingon Chancellor Gorkon... er, no, I mean St. John Talbot (this guy has been in Star Trek a lot), meanwhile, is not really as effective a demon-hunter as he would have liked to believe. 'Cause it seems that the murdered vamp Mrs. Robinson (remember her?), is not so murdered after all. It's hard to keep a good vampire down. And even though the Gul has claimed a hatred of vampires unequaled by even the most ardent Vampire Slayer, he is still, it seems, able to get turned on by the hot ones.

So, that is it. The guy gets the girl, the vigilante learns the beauty of the unknown, and those wacky legions of the undead get to party hearty once more. And they all live happily ever vampirey after. Not the people watching, though. They just shrug their shoulders, shake their heads, and get on with their far more interesting lives. Especially, one supposes, if these viewers are teenage delivery boys. 'Cause them... they're having sex.

DROOL FACTOR: Robert Sean Leonard is a honey, and no doubt about it. The fact that he always seems to die in his movies does not negate this fact in the least. The eighties sweaters almost do, though.

GROSS-OUT FACTOR: They're dead, they drink blood, they're, like, all cold and clammy. Vampires are actually pretty icky, when you come to think about it. Cool, of course... but icky.

STRONG CHICK FACTOR: Was Vlad the Impaler a happy, loving, God-fearing man?

-- Rachel Hyland

My Best Friend is a Vampire aka I Was a Teenage Vampire is currently available on video.

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