The 11th Hour

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WANTED: Young male actor, aged roughly 16-30, for the most heavily contested role in cinematic history. Must be sweet enough to be Jake Lloyd, ugly enough to be Sebastian Shaw, and cute enough to be a viable mating option for Natalie Portman. Must be accomplished, yet not too well known; must be charismatic, yet willing to have appearance, voice, and movements digitally altered or replaced. Should be convincing as the epitome of virulent evil and enticing as a plastic six-inch toy. Lightsaber skill and willingness to amiably converse with non-existent creatures a plus. Paycheck negotiable; eternal fame, fortune and mass worship guaranteed. Please contact George Lucas at Skywalker Ranch for further information.

Oh, if only it were so easy. Sure, some people would love to be George Lucas: sitting on a big pile of money, playing with cool-ass digital effects, wearing that same plaid shirt for days on end. But deep down inside, the man's got it rough; with his every movement scrutinized in the hopes of uncovering that sacrosanct mystery that is Episode II, it's no wonder the guy's been a little slow in the casting department. And really, has there ever been a role as passionately debated as that of Anakin Skywalker? We at The 11th Hour have vowed to ease George's pain by providing this handy list of all the would-be Anakins, with their virtues, their faults, and often their more corporeal qualities dutifully analyzed. Hopefully, this ranking shall serve as a guide to sorting out the scruffy-looking nerf herders from the gorgeous guys we just can't bear to let out of our sight.

	Age: 22 Best known from: Dawson's Creek The Force: "Well, if Anakin were going to make rousing speeches to the Coruscant Football Team, he'd be a shoo-in," offers one voter. "I. . . don't. . . want. . . your. . . life, Obi-Wan!" OK, maybe not. The Dark Side: "I'm sorry, but he's simply not an option," says one panelist. "His head is far too enormous to handle the intricacies of the padawan haircut." The Odds: 10,000:1. Lucas denied any involvement with the Dawson's Creek cast. But then again, who wouldn't? The Quote: "I don't know where you get your delusions, laser-brain."
	Age: 24 Best known from: Titanic The Force: Um. . . he wouldn't be in Godfather 4? Hey, we tried! The Dark Side: "I'll have to get back to you on that one," says one voter. "In preparation for any word that the Son of Satan is actually cast for the film, I'm a bit busy right now gathering weapons and raising an army." Another panelist concurs: "It would completely ruin my Star Wars experience to see FetusBoy as Anakin. Also, he looks like an elf. Not quite Yoda, but put a few years on him. . ." The Odds: 775:1. DiCaprio is casting negotiations for both an upcoming Howard Hughes biopic as well as the fourth Godfather; moreover, he is rumored to have no interest in the part, although he was seen cavorting on a certain Skywalker Ranch. The Quote: "If once you start down that dark path, forever it will dominate your destiny."
	Age: Eternal Best known from: Lucas' fantasies The Force: "CGI Anakin could pave the way for the elimination of annoying real life actors, like Gwyneth Paltrow. And on that note, he could probably swing an Oscar or two. It would be a motion for justice in the true spirit of the Jedi." The Dark Side: "CGI is not always the best move. I mean, look what happened with that whole Jar Jar idea." The Odds: 20:1. Lucas does get all misty over CGI, but does that mean Natalie Portman's gonna have to do it with an artificial creation? Well, it'd explain Mark Hamill at any rate. The Quote: "I warn you not to underestimate my powers."
	Age: 28 Best known from: Good Will Hunting The Force: "He has the looks, he has the talent," enthuses one voter. Not to mention the connections: "Would that mean Ben Affleck would be cast as his best friend, the swearing and smiling X-Wing pilot? 'Cause...Ben Affleck. I could get into that." The Dark Side: One staff member offered this insight: "He's a thug. He looks like he breaks kneecaps for Guido the Loanshark when someone doesn't make the vig. He'd look more at home with a blaster in his hands." Adds another voter: "He just looks slimy. Not good for Natalie. He'd be Ana-kinky." The Odds: 30:1. While Damon looks the part and will no doubt convince as an evil, nefarious being, it's doubtful Lucas will want to go with such a huge name. The Quote: "You tell that slimy piece of worm-ridden filth that he'll get no such pleasure from us!"
	Age: 19 Best known from: The Hamill Family, i.e. father Mark The Force: "It's Hamill time! C'mon, Mark was at least cute, and the resemblance is -- oh, who am I kidding? Actually, I think he'd make a great Uncle Owen. Why is no one concerned about that part? Uncle Owen is cool!" The Dark Side: "Like one Hamill wasn't bad enough. . .if you're going to have the son of the original actor play the role, use the progeny of someone with talent. Does Harrison Ford have kids?" Not to mention the sheer confusion factor: "The father's son playing the father of the son. How. . . Freudian." The Odds: As his father put it in the original, "No, that's not true, that's impossible!" The Quote: "The son of Skywalker must not become a Jedi."
	Age: 24 Best known from: Cruel Intentions The Force: Saving Ryan's privates was a dominant theme for one voter: "He's got that lean, quite lickable young body, which I'm used to seeing nice and half-naked from 54.". . . The Dark Side: ". . .but they'd give him Jedi robes to cover it up. So I'm not liking that idea." Other voters were less Phillippe-friendly. "Oh gross! This girly-boy would be better off playing Queen Amidala," gripes one panelist. Adds another: "He's too slick. Looks like you could rent him for the night. I can hear the 1-900 commercial now: `Let him make all your Jedi fantasies come true. He can make the earth move. For real.'" The Odds: 3,720:1. Phillippe reportedly met with Episode II producer Rick McCallum a few months ago, and was ruled out for the part. The Quote: "Into the garbage chute, flyboy."
	Age: 30 Best known from: The Breakfast Club The Force: "First of all, that's not even funny," fumes one voter. "But then again, he did just play Bill Gates. From one ruthless Dark Lord to the other. Can't be that much of a stretch. Except Vader has more compassion. And dresses better too." The Dark Side: "What next? Emilio Estevez as the young Han Solo? Charlie Sheen as Boba Fett? Corey Feldman as Wicket? Actually, that last one might just work." The Odds: Negative. The main source for the Hall-as-Anakin rumor is, well, Hall. The Quote: "You'll be malfunctioning within a day, you near-sighted scrap-pile!"
	Age: 29 Best known from: Saving Private Ryan The Force: Jeremy's battle skills ensure he will handle enemies to the Rebellion with ease: "He can kick Sith ass and pretend it's the morons at the Academy who robbed him of an Oscar nod. And those weeks at boot camp prepping for Saving Private Ryan may well make him the only actor fully equipped to face Jar Jar Binks." The Dark Side: More like the dark hair: "He's got a great in-between look (half man, half boy), but I don't think he'd make a convincing blond. I'd be ALL over him for a young Han Solo though." The Odds: 25:1. While a little on the aging side, this talented yet not widely known actor is a Spielberg fave. And Spielberg, as we all know, is a Lucas fave. The Quote: "Charming to the last. You don't know how hard I found it signing the order to terminate your life."
	Age: 20 Best known from: Dawson's Creek The Force: "He'll probably have to take shit from Van Der Beek once they went back to the Dawson's set, but that can be considered a good thing." The Dark Side: "Luke and Leia would never be born, 'cause everything I've seen this guy in has him cast as totally gay," comments one voter. "He'd be off boffing cute young padawans and Amidala would feel neglected." Another voter contributed this revelation: "He resembles a tortoise." The Odds: See partner-in-crime James Van Der Beek. And on that note... The Quote: "Who is more foolish? The fool, or the fool who follows him?"
	Age: 24 Best known from: Star Wars: Episode 1: The Phantom Menace The Force: "Now there's a man who can handle a lightsaber," notes one panelist approvingly. "Amidala deserves only the best." The Dark Side: "Uh...would he get cut in half again? 'Cause that's not really productive." And while size may matter not to Yoda, it does when you're the ultimate dark lord: "Too short, plain and simple. Sure, Vader's mostly mechanical but I don't think they built him on stilts." The Odds: 100:1. Lucas did like Park enough to cast him as Darth Maul in Episode 1...and gave him a whopping five lines and a rather unseemly exit. The Quote: "This bounty hunter is my kind of scum. Fearless and inventive."
	Age: 17 Best known from: Apt Pupil The Force: "I should probably be arrested for even thinking this, but -- what a hottie! Has the sexy-yet-evil thing down pat from Apt Pupil, and manages to look at least 21 while actually being only -- ugh, don't remind me." The Dark Side: "From what I've heard about this kid's offscreen habits, it's not just midichlorians running through his veins." The Odds: 30:1. Renfro's name hasn't been mentioned as often as Van Der Beek's or DiCaprio's -- but those two are among the least likely to grab the role. Questionable conduct off the set may deter him from consideration, however. The Quote: "Great, kid! Don't get cocky."
Trendsetters that we are, the 11th Hour editorial staff just had to throw in our personal choices for the man who would be Anakin. Bask in our foresight below: "My choice? Jonathan Jackson. He played Lucky Spencer on General Hospital and was in The Deep End of the Ocean with Michelle Pfeiffer. 17 years old. Around six feet tall. Great skin. Doesn't fade into the background when sharing scenes with older, more experienced actors. He's even won three Emmys. Okay, so Daytime Emmys for Younger Male Actor. . .but still!" - Linda "Lucas Black is the best young actor in Hollywood, and he would make an ideal Anakin. At sixteen, he has shown more depth and natural ability in movies such as Sling Blade than most actors twice his age, and his role as Caleb in American Gothic is similar to that of Anakin. He's about the right age (18 at time of shooting), looks the part and is just so beyond cool. Hell, I'd watch this guy play Jar Jar!" - Sarah "It probably wouldn't matter to me who they cast. Anakin could suddenly become a Hutt and I wouldn't notice. Why? Ewan McGregor. Like it's possible to concentrate when he's on the screen." - Lisa Questions, comments, and rants on this topic should be sent to: letters@the11thhour.com