The Bronze Age
Sometimes you wanna go where everybody knows your boardname.
      by Rachel Hyland

POSTING BOARD LIFE LESSONS:

1. No topic will ever stay on topic.

Vin Diesel: Very much off-topic, but we're guessing you don't mind.

At the 11th Hour Message Board (just for example) a thread that can start with a name like Gladiator can quickly devolve into discussion of hot men, leather, chocolate sauce, a combination of all three -- oh, and comics. (Believe me, I've seen it happen.) And it isn't just us. It is rare -- in fact, it has reached mythic proportions -- to discover a PB discussion that remains wholly related to its origins. This is indicative, in many ways, of just how very thoroughly genre fans embrace their favorite shows, movies and characters and make them a part of every facet of their lives. And so for us it is easy to turn a question about Farscape's Ben Browder into a discussion of homophobia, major life decisions, navel rings... oh, and hot guys.

2. Swearing is bloody well not necessary.

Many boards have civility laws, and some of the software used to run said boards is able to censor any and all words that it is programmed to consider offensive. As Joss once posted at The Bronze (which is what passes for news around these parts), "It cracks me up that I can't type Dickens." Except, he couldn't type Dickens, and had to settle for "****ens." But you could tell what he meant. Of course, such limitations can be gotten around by slight misspellings and redesigning, like d ick and s.h.i.t. At some boards you're not even allowed to say idiot. Or damn. Damn idiots. (I'm happy to say that the only word considered taboo on the Message Boards of this magazine is "Shiban." Though "Katims" is probably cutting it close.)

3. Join a Club, become a slave.

You could join one of his clubs. Yum.

Many PBs (and again, Bronze, I'm looking your way) have their memberships branch into sub-divisions of fandom. With many it's just about the fun, but with others, there is quite a militant slant to the proclamations of fealty. At The Bronze, posters' rosters of club affiliation are stacked so high that an entire post can just be full of them. And while the lovely Amber Benson is indeed "a hottie" and it's nice that Miss Kitty Fantastico has her own "minions," do we really care what number a person was to declare this? "Ah, the evil topic of clubs," says Eiddileg. "I have never been a joiner. I think I joined like two, as a joke, and someone signed me up for another, but I never go to the sites, I have no clue what my member number is... except I think I got #13 in one. No requirements or duties, my kind o' club." Me, I'll stick with being a worshipper of Perk. (And if you want to get that, visit our damn Message Board already!

4. When Board Wars erupt, no one is safe.

Whether through internal conflict or attacks from the outside, a PB can get to be a place of intense drama, debate and disrespect. Some time back the editors, writers and adherents of this here fine publication got into quite the slanging match with both Roswell and X-Files fans, who took exception to the fact that our Sarah thinks their beloved shows are a bit crap, really. A cursory look at the archives of our Message Board (here!) show that we've had our share of enemy infiltration. With topic names such as "A 'Roswell' review that's harsher than mine!", "FANDOM X-Philes take a whack at the 11th Hour" and my personal favorite, "Horroronline: Credit-denying fanboy wusses," it's easy to see that we have ably defended the ol' homestead from the ravening menaces -- though the Roswell hate-fest was particularly ugly, with the Rossies deliberately coming to our Board just to flame. Other boards, of course, have their internal dramas: NitCentral had the revolt when a Simpsons board was disallowed, the Bronze had that disturbing onslaught of bigots ignorantly protesting the relationship of Willow and Tara, and the animated discussions at many comic boards regarding the Marvel situation (and how much does their site redesign suck?) have become so deeply personal as to emotionally scar some participants for life. And, sadly, I am one of them.

5. If you don't get it, you just don't get it.

Many boards have their own secret languages, words and meanings that no outsider can easily understand. And while that bakes many a rainbow, it has been known to toast a leprechaun or two as well. The Bronze even has websites that, Cross-O-Matic style, are dedicated to explaining the language, and the origin of such terms as "SO" ("Shout Out," which roughly translated, means hi), "WITT" (Whedon Improvisational Theatre Troupe), and "Leaving in a Ty way" (for legendary Buffy writer and poster Ty King, who would suggest that his departure was imminent, and then just would not leave.) At the Official Babylon 5 boards, series creator J. Michael Straczynski's mention of "Sheridan's duck" has gone down in infamy. Who from the old UGO Buffy board will ever forget the "Download Episodes Here" thread? And hands up if you remember "JARSO"? Do these things mean anything to most of you? No, of course not. But as indicators of the kinds of fond memories posters have of their communities, of the mythos and unique lexicons that they build up between them, these instances speak volumes. (Sheridan's duck! That still kills me.)

6. If you don't have anything nice to say, at least say it with a smile :)

"I can't believe Locutus509 thinks Insurrection sucks!"

Let's talk the etiquette of the smiley. I think the little guys are far too abused, and on PBs more than anywhere else. It seems, nowadays, that you can say most anything, and as long as it's followed by a few bits of everyday punctuation, then no one can take offense. It's like a permanent license to be mean! Someone could post, say:

"God, MichaelsGoodHairDay, you suck in the biggest way. You are so stupid and I hate everything that you say. Max is the *biggest* babe and you don't know anything, you slime-sucking moron. ;)"

And, according to most PB's unwritten rules, you're not allowed to be pissed off by that, 'cause look! Winkey smiley thingie! (Okay, so I may possibly be exaggerating.) NitCentral's Phil Farrand knows the hardship of keeping things on a friendly basis, emoticons or not. "As long as discussions stay civil and personal attacks are kept to a minimum," he says, "a Posting Board can serve as a fascinating interchange of ideas -- filled with humor and enjoyment. Unfortunately, it does take a certain discipline both from the individual and from the topic's moderator to ensure that the communication retains a certain dignity. And that takes a great deal of effort."

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