The Crow: Salvation
9021-Crow is nothing to crow about.

"You can't see it -- it's electric! Boogie woogie woogie..."

Because I'm the quintessential comic book geek, I originally read James O'Barr's comic miniseries The Crow when it was released by Caliber Press in the early nineties. The story was bleak, arresting, and made all the more poignant by the fact that O'Barr was exorcising his intensely personal demons in a public forum. The movie that followed a few years later was steeped in its own sense of loss -- that of its lead, Brandon Lee, who died in an accident during filming -- and it's impossible to view the picture without a sense of haunting dread that you are indeed watching a man's final moments in this world.

So, is it me, or do a parade of sequels and a lame television series seem more than a little callous?

For the record, I could never make it through a full screening of the first sequel, entitled The Crow: City of Angels, as it was not only a disgrace to Brandon Lee, but it was also a godawful film in the bargain. The syndicated series fared a little better, though the formula had been changed to match that of The Incredible Hulk -- he only became the Crow in times of intense peril. At the time, I thought that it would only take one more nail to firmly shut the coffin on this would-be franchise.

Eric Mabius, as photographed through a bucket of urine.

The Crow: Salvation isn't just the last nail. It's a wrought iron spike, it's an impenetrable lock, hell, it's even holy water to sprinkle on the desiccated remains. To say this movie is bad is to do a grave disservice to a canon of bad movies that don't deserve to be muttered in the same breath as this abysmal stinker. The Crow: Salvation flashes its ineptness in a variety of ways, most of which begin at the script, written by Beverly Hills 90210 veteran Chip Johannesen.

The story, as such, is reminiscent of the former Crow films, in that it centers on a guy who dies before his time, and returns from the grave to avenge both his own death and that of his one true love. The damned soul this time around is Alex Corvis (Cruel Intentions' Eric Mabius), who is forced to endure the torturous fact that his girlfriend was stabbed fifty-three times. We know this because several characters go to great pains to remind us just how many knife wounds there were, and I suppose it sounds more interesting than saying she was stabbed four times, even though getting stabbed just once would probably do the trick. Anyway, not only is his girlfriend a corpse, but Alex is now on Death Row for her murder, and despite his strict conviction that she was actually killed by a guy with a scarred arm (maybe Chip thought that if he just maimed the arm, rather than lopping it off, no one would notice that he cribbed his entire plotline from The Fugitive) he is eventually executed for the crime. But death flips him the bird, and Alex is soon back among the living and aching for some old fashioned bloody vengeance. Words fail me when I attempt to impart just how long this unbelievably contrived setup takes to explain itself. And I'm still stunned at the sheer stupidity that finds Alex's electrocution burns perfectly mimicking Brandon Lee's makeup in the original film.

"Waterproof mascara my ass!"

But I'm not being fair to the myriad other incidents of ignorance that permeate the film -- for one, there's the fact that Fred Ward's Chief of Police just happens to casually know that sometimes the dead can return with the proper motivation. He tells us this when he says, "Sometimes the dead can return with the proper motivation." How, exactly, does he know this? My guess is that he watched the first two Crow flicks. And there's also a nice little bit of contrivance that sees a group of killers forming a company that takes its name from the first letter of each of their last names. That company's name? Prepare yourself. Are you sitting down? It's called D.E.R.T. And, even, stranger, the characters only ever refer to it by spelling out the letters. No one ever says it like it's spelled. For that matter, no one ever really figures out what these guys are doing. Sure, we're given some lame exposition about misdeeds and murders and such, but it's all such an afterthought that there's little sense to be had. I'd lay odds that they're an evil topsoil company, bent on spreading mineral-free dirt across the nation, but I tend to think about these things a bit too much.

The acting is uniformly poor, headlined by an obscenely miscast Eric Mabius. He lacks the spirit, the drive, and the haunted quality needed by his character (as underwritten as it is), and the only range in his performance alternates between some truly lame Brandon Lee impressions and a glassy eyed stare that speaks of utter confusion. He seems to be desperately hoping for writer Johannessen to give him a more 90210-ish role. As punishment for this crime against humanity, he should be sentenced forever to making buddy movies with Freddy Prinze, Jr. Fred Ward, once a terrific character actor, here shrugs off his dignity like loose clothing, overacting on a scale that would make Jim Carrey shudder. And Kirsten Dunst? Well, she's Kirsten Dunst. There's so much to belittle that I only have to utter the name. Kirsten Dunst. Abandon all hope, ye who enter here.

"Eric, you're squeezing my neck just a little too hard, okay? Eric! Cut it out!"

Furthermore, this is one of the ugliest films to come along since Battlefield Earth. To compensate for poorly lit (and shoddily built) sets, director Bharat Nuri opted to cant the camera at odd angles and to rely only on closeups. I'm sure he thought the film would seem claustrophobic, but it comes off instead like a cheap direct to video release, which, interestingly enough, is exactly what it is. And hey, what's with the constant use of yellow filters? The whole film appears to have been shot through a murky bucket of urine.

So I offer up this warning. If you care one iota for the original film, if you were captivated by the comic series, even if you dug the television series (and shame on you if you did), then you would do well to avoid the turgid, incoherent mess. It's not just that it's bad. It's Highlander 2 bad, people.

DROOL FACTOR: You're kidding, right? Any ladies that dig Eric Mabius will change their tunes after this.

GROSS-OUT FACTOR:There's a tender, loving scene in which Alex Corvis tears off his own face, as well as a prolonged flashback that depicts, in loving detail, the gang rape and subsequent killing (all fifty-three stab wounds) of his girlfriend. Bring Mom, Dad and the kids.

STRONG CHICK FACTOR: Let me put it this way -- late in the film, it is revealed that one of the baddies has actually sewn Kirsten Dunst's mouth shut. This single scene elicited one of the most tremendous rounds of applause I've ever seen.

-- David Rosiak

The Crow: Salvation releases direct to video in Spring 2001. Be afraid. Be very afraid.

We welcome your comments on The 11th Hour and this review. Please send letters to: letters@the11thhour.com