Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II: The Secret of the Ooze
Mmmmm. Pizza.

And you thought your teenage years were hard. The surging hormones, the constant peer pressure, the conviction that [insert suitable cringe-inducing clothing trend] was a great look. But, hey. At least you weren't a mutant. Probably not a ninja. And definitely not a turtle.

And that's gotta be the proverbial bummer, huh? And pretty much blows the petty complaints of an acned, bespectacled, braces-wearing loser like I... er... knew in high school right out of the water. It's tough to get dates when you're the only ones of your kind, and, plus, people kind of think you're weird. And they run screaming.

But enough about me.

Now, on to weightier topics. For those who missed the comics, the cartoon, the original movie (and, uh, the Eighties) there are these turtles, they're mutant, they're ninja and they're teens. Their names are Leonardo (blue), Raphael (red), Donatello (purple) and Michaelangelo (yellow), and they have a Master (a rat called Splinter), a human pal (a reporter called April O'Neil) and an arch-nemesis (a lunatic called The Shredder.) As a TMNT fan who came to the original comics via the cartoon series -- ah, how fondly I remember running home from the school bus so that I'd be in time for the Turtles antics... er, when I was fifteen -- I was at first resistant to the differences between them. The origin of Master Splinter (in the comic, a rat-turned-human, in the cartoon, a human-turned-rat), the occupation of April (in the comic, a scientist, in the cartoon, a reporter), and the fact that there didn't seem to be any Lord Krang ("Shreeeeeeddderrr!") However, I soon got into the two worlds of Turtles-dom, and as other writers beside creators Kevin Eastman and Peter Laird started writing for Raph, Mike, Don and Leo (never called such in the cartoon), the Turtles became less dark, less of a parody of other comics, and more of a parody-able property all of its own. Hello, Samarai Pizza Cats!

And then there came Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: The Movie (as opposed to, y'know, The Quadratic Theorem.) More faithful to the comic book than the cartoon ever was, the movie showed a grittier, cooler, far-less-moral-of-the-episode prone Turtles gang. And Elias Katsulas was in it! After defeating therein Shred Head and his evil gang of misguided minions, though, the Turtles have since taken refuge in April's (Paige Turow) New York apartment, as their native sewers are unsafe from the menace of the naughty kung fu Foot Clan. As the movie opens, the Green Machine have ordered pizza -- again -- and their delivery boy is on his way with the goods when he witnesses a robbery in progress. Cutie Keno (Ernie Reyes Jr.), being no slouch in the ninja department and unusually civic-minded, attempts to put a stop to it, but gets in a little over his head... and that's when the Turtles show up to kick some bad guy butt, befuddle Keno senseless, and pick up their dinner. Hey, an amphibian adolescent's gotta eat, right?

Meanwhile, the object of the Turtles' affection, April O'Neil, is reporting on chemical company TGI's pledge to clean up its toxic wastes, which on the surface seems little more than the usual "pollution is wrong, kids, so don't do it!" Captain Planet motif that has crept into many kid flicks of the last few decades, but actually is quite the plot point. 'Cause, y'know, some of that toxic stuff is the secretive ooze from the title, and has quite a lot of bearing on the rest of the movie. As in, there'd be no movie without it.

Elsewhere, cutie Keno figures out that his rescuers are shacking up with April (and the rat), and ends up being their little human sidekick. And in other not-so-breaking news, turns out The Shredder isn't quite so defeated as he was in the last movie, after all. And after getting his hands on a vial of the ooze-with-a-past, he does something with it that reveals its jealously-guarded truth to the world -- he mutates a wolf and a... er... snapping turtle into giant mega-killing beasts in order to wipe out the city's walking, talking terrapin infestation. The vicious creatures (babies, though, and not teens) are set upon an innocent street as a lure for the Turtles, and when Raphael is captured, the others go to rescue their erstwhile rebel. Of course, they walk straight into a trap, which produces my most favorite TMNT moment ever...

Leo: "It's quiet"
Mike: "Yeah, a little too quiet."
Leo: "It's Raph!"
Mike: "Yeah, a little too Raph."

Oh, not since the days of the Turtles cartoon, and Raphael lines like "If we don't rescue April soon, this is gonna turn into a two-part episode!" have I been so amused by... well, talking turtles. Anyway. Doing battle with baby mutant dumb-ass beasties (and applying some esoteric formula created by a guy almost perpetually wearing a white lab coat -- do you think he's a scientist of some kind?), the Turtles then find themselves in the infamous Club Scene. You know the one I'm talking about. The Vanilla Ice Club Scene. The one in which Mr. Van Winkle exhorts "Go ninja, go ninja, go!" as the Turtles, cutie Keno, and a handy fire extinguisher manage to kick, punch, and groove their way to victory over their adversaries -- animal, vegetable and mineral "Super Shredder" alike. All is saved, the Turtles are famous, and the world is safe for pizza-consumption once more. It's all just good, clean, improbable yet pretty darn amusing fun. So watch. Enjoy. Laugh.

Oh, yeah. And cowabunga. Or whatever.

DROOL FACTOR: Keno is a cutie. And... uh... Mikey. Is. Cool. Though he isn't a patch on the heartthrob of my teenage years, the cartoon version Raphael. He just rocked my world.

GROSS-OUT FACTOR: Noxious bodily functions. Of mutants. That really says it all.

STRONG CHICK FACTOR: April O'Neil, in comic, cartoon, and the first Turtles movie, kicked all kinds of ass. This new one... not so much. Plus, she's brunette, which is just wrong.

-- Rachel Hyland

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II: The Secret of the Ooze is currently available on video, dude.

We welcome your comments on The 11th Hour and this review. Please send letters to: letters@the11thhour.com