"Some houses are born bad" proclaims the slogan of the thoroughly inept, stunningly superfluous remake of the horror classic The Haunting. Apparently some movies are as well. Directed with all the subtlety of a GWAR video, this new and unimproved version from Jan de Bont falls somewhere between The Mummy and Psycho on the suckdom scale of unnecessary horror remakes. On the hubris scale, however, it encroaches on Van Sant territory. Despite his claims to the contrary, de Bont (with partner-in-crime/screenwriter David Self) have managed to insult not only the 1963 original film but also the Shirley Jackson novel on which it was based. Jan de Bont's Haunting is a garish, illogical mess which completely lacks all of the elements that made the original so powerful. Instead of subtle, psychological scares, everything here is explicit... including the incompetence of the filmmakers themselves.

Aside from butchering an older film, The Haunting also manages to grossly misuse an excellent cast consisting of Lili Taylor, Catherine Zeta-Jones, Liam Neeson, and Owen Wilson. The worst offense occurs in the form of Taylor's Nell, one of the three characters (with Zeta-Jones and Wilson) led to the demonic house by Neeson under the guise of a study on sleep disorders. Throughout her stay, the already fragile Nell becomes increasingly disoriented and obsessed with the history of the house, which involves a line of abused children who manifest themselves as spirits which, in the worst special FX sequence of the year, all appear to resemble Warwick Davis in drag. Watching Taylor give a "Save the children" speech rivaling Sally Struthers', I couldn't believe that this was the same scene-stealing dynamo from I Shot Andy Warhol, and I found myself consumed with far more pity for the actress than for her tormented character.

And unfortunately, it is Taylor who best survives this FX-laden house of unintentional horrors. Neeson, in the role that allegedly inspired him to almost quit his profession, overacts to such a degree that you're just aching for the mansion to gobble him up; Zeta-Jones gets points for wardrobe but is as overdone as the film itself. Wilson is not even worth mentioning. However, much of this has to do with the fact that every page of the script seemed to be written by a different person; there is no consistency, particularly in Taylor's character who veers from hysterics to rapture in a matter of minutes.

The script also managed to utilize every horror cliché imaginable -- the characters venture into dark basements alone, discover hidden connections between themselves and the house, and stick around far too long after the mansion has shown its true nature. This would be fun in something imbued with less pretension, but for $80 million one expects more. The audience was laughing through all stages of The Haunting, and, in a further indication of the film's artlessness, it was hard to tell if the jokes were intentional. And that was the movie's greatest flaw: It was not scary in the slightest, unless you give points for frightening audacity. Beautiful sets and a fine score notwithstanding, The Haunting is one of the worst remakes in recent memory, and that's saying a lot. This is the house that de Bont demolished.

DROOL FACTOR: Liam Neeson serves as a fine distraction from this disaster, but his very presence is just so pitiable only hard-core Qui-Gon fans will be content.

GROSS-OUT FACTOR: Like Carrie 2, The Haunting reserves its special FX horror blowout for the end of the film, but at least the former had the sense to brutally slay all of their stock characters. Alas, the only real gross-out here is that this movie was even made.

STRONG CHICK FACTOR: The normally dynamic Taylor is sorely wasted in this all-around suckfest, as is Zeta-Jones, who lacks any of the charisma she displayed in The Mask of Zorro. The true cool chick is Shirley Jackson, who wrote the original and vastly superior novel The Haunting of Hill House. Word to the wise: read that instead.

-- Sarah Kendzior