Thank God I grew up in the 1980's. Sure, my generation may have gone on to blow up Woodstock over pretzel prices, but at least we're not responsible for the overwhelmingly sucky, mindlessly derivative '70s nostalgia trip that has fueled countless films over the past decade, and now has brought us the television series G vs E. Ever wonder what the Beastie Boys' "Sabotage" video would look like if directed by a blind crack addict? Look no further. Ever had the impulse to combine the worst elements of the Tarantino rip-off brigade with Millennium and, lord help us, Brimstone? Hey, me neither, but I'm not the Pate brothers, the 29-year-old duo responsible for the only show on television that managed to blow up Emmanuel Lewis and make it boring.

Actually, the emphasis on B-grade stars that proliferate G vs E is telling of the series' general philosophy, which assumes that when one utterly lacks originality, talent, or ideas, one can simply throw together a bunch of hackneyed so-uncool-they're-cool-again-thanks-to-us guest stars and call it a show. Why bother with a good script or interesting plot when such easy methods abound? G vs E (or Good vs Evil, for those not in the know) is ostensibly the tale of two men (Clayton Rohner and Richard Brooks) caught between life and the afterworld who are assigned to track down evil "morlocks" (a term stolen from H.G. Well's The Time Machine) and prevent them from harming mankind. (You know - like Brimstone.) These morlocks are often impressively unoriginal celebrities (ooh, Leanne Rimes is evil? How clever!) including, in the third episode, Emmanuel Lewis, otherwise known as Webster from the 1980s TV series. And while Lewis is the rare individual I might appreciate in this scenario, I can't help but bemoan a series whose entire focus comes from genres and individuals that proceeded it -- '80s child stars, '70s cop shows, '90s paranormal TV drama, etc.

G vs E relies on the viewer's ability to readily identify obscure pop-culture references, yet not be so savvy as to out this "homage" as the rip-off it truly is. The show is nervously, desperately, self-consciously cool, and it fails in almost every respect, particularly as a genre show. While USA is not exactly known for exerting quality control, the lame, barely-there storylines, crass characterization, and so-bad-they're-bad special FX seem shockingly amateurish. The direction and writing play like a pretentious film student's freshman year project, and the only redeeming factor arrives in the form of the two lead actors. Rohner (who I'm surprised isn't comatose after enduring this and the X-Files episode "Rain King") and Brooks are far, far better than the material deserves, but even they can't save this paean to plagiarism. Film and television have gotten to such a point that they seem nostalgic for '90s versions of '70s nostalgia; G vs E plays like something greedily snatched from the dumpster in the Rolling Thunder parking lot, and the only real evil here is that of banality.

G vs E airs on USA Sunday nights at 8:00 PM EST.