I'm a pathetic excuse for a nerd. I admit that. Despite my love for science fiction and all of the supposedly great titles out there, I've never really been into video games. That of course means that my take on Wing Commander is strictly from a movie fan's point of view. And that point of view is that it's so bad, I feel like writing Freddy Prinze Jr. and demanding that he refund my money. It's either him or Hollywood Video. All I know is somebody's writing me a check, damnit!

Okay, so maybe it's asking too much of the boy. Expecting him to act that is. Well, act like someone who deserves a SAG card. Then again I'm not sure that even a good actor could pull off the dialogue in Wing Commander. Jurgen Prochnow can't manage to do it and I know he can act (see Das Boot). It got so bad I started scoping out the supporting players which led to comments like, (re: actor David Suchet) "Hercule Poirot over there should drop the English accent and start using [in a bad French accent] his little gray cells", (re: actor Craig Kelly) "Hmmm . . . That radar guy looks like an attractive version of Ewan McGregor", and "Obutu!" But perhaps my shining moment came when I shouted, (re: actor Simon MacCorkindale) "Hey! It's that dude from Manimal! Dude, his career really is in the toilet if he took this job." I'm thinking that maybe it's a good thing I watched this movie alone.

As to plot? Now given that I'm in a generous mood I'll give them the benefit of the doubt and say there was a plot. Not a good one. And not one that held my interest mind you, but a plot. 'Cliché' is too complimentary a word. 'Derivative' as well. 'Outright thievery' is probably what I'm looking for in a descriptive phrase.

Okay, back to the plot. Years after the Earth Confederation's war with a race of space faring humans known as The Pilgrims, the Kilrathi threaten Earth. A dark hearted enemy with no desire but total destruction, the Kilrathi, resembling nothing more than dancers in a bad production of Cats, steal a navigation module from an Earth Forces ship, thus finally gaining the coordinates to Earth. Yup. It's Armageddon time, boys and girls. That is unless Lt. Christopher Blair, a half breed Pilgrim, and his valiant buddies have anything to say about it. Can you say snooze-o-rama? I knew you could.

And to add insult to injury, the special effects and production design were horrible. I couldn't even give it the now standard, "The plot sucked, but the FX were cool." tag. Good Lord! I felt like I was watching an episode of Space: 1999. Yeah, yeah, I know they were trying for a WWII look and feel, but it came out more like a WWI scrapheap. Leather helmets? So we're fighting the Red Baron, eh? And their technology is sophisticated enough to have shields, but they're still using bullets and missiles and torpedoes? Someone please explain that to me.

DROOL FACTOR: The aforementioned Craig Kelly as Radar Man Falk. Don't think I'd like to see him in a padewan hairdo, but he'll do. Better than Freddy Prinze Jr. who needs to learn to stop gaping like an idiot and Matthew Lillard who is incredibly rodent-like with those beady little eyes of his.

GROSS-OUT FACTOR: The dialogue. The really bad plot. The fact that someone greenlighted this movie.

STRONG CHICK FACTOR: Saffron Burrows in the role of Jeanette 'Angel' Deveraux and Ginny Holder who played Rosie Forbes should be ashamed of themselves. Deveraux, who is supposed to be Wing Commander, allows her subordinates to walk all over her. And Forbes is as one dimensional as her male counterparts. Ack. Ugh.

Wing Commander is currently available on video.

-- Linda M. Najera