My chirping alarm clock bores a bright red 10:13 AM into my eyes. Uh oh. Somebody's gonna catch shit again for being late for work. Clasping my throbbing head, I roll out of bed and... wait a second here. What the hell am I doing in my car? On the side of an ugly frickin' freeway?! Ow, my back.

Man, and sleeping in a car all night -- I must look pretty beastly too. I turn the rearview mirror towards my face to assess the casualties and... HOLY ROD SERLING! My hair has become a flowing, silky blond! My skin is a golden tan, my eyes a twinkling blue. And that smarmy, insolent smile! Oh my God. I've been transformed into Chris Carter!

I try desperately to take a deep breath as my neurons eject aimlessly in a panic. No need for alarm yet. What's the use in trying to make sense of something so implausible when I'm like a wet firecracker? This can all be remedied by only one thing: a very strong dose of caffeine.

Well, anywhere is better than here. (Where is "here", anyway?) Starting my car, I notice a shiny building with a famous green awning on the opposite side of the freeway. I never thought a Starbucks Coffee could look so positively utopian. Well, since Chris is so beautiful (as voted by People Magazine I'll have you know), I must belong on that side.

Hey, forget the apocalyptic blast, I just said coffee didn't I?

"Good morning, Mr. Carter!" greets the Starbucks employee, before asking, "How's your new TV show coming along? You know, that series set to replace the timeslot of your neglected second child, Millennium? What's it all about?"

Huh? New show? Ah yes, this kid is talking about Harsh Realm. Based (very loosely) on the comic book series of the same name, Harsh Realm delves into a highly-advanced virtual reality game built by the military -- a simulated crisis scenario of what it may be like in the aftermath of a nuclear war. It follows Lt. Thomas Hobbes, played by Scott Bairstow, who is forced to test out this newest combat training. While trying to escape the game, he soon discovers that in Harsh Realm, things are never exactly as they seem, and that the impossible becomes possible.

Hey, kinda like waking up one day, and discovering you've metamorphisized into the show's creator! My own personal harsh realm. But dammit, I really have! Because instead of just regurgitating this TV Guide premise to the coffee server, Carter's voice erupts from my throat as if coming from some deep, dark, unspeakable place.

"I could tell you." the voice replies. Then with a cryptic smile, "but then I'd have to kill you."

That may just be a cliché, sentence to most people, but in regards to the top secret Harsh Realm, such a threat is intended to turn one's bowels watery... or something like that. You see, if you hadn't already heard, Carter has employed some rather austere tactics in order to keep this pilot project under wraps. This includes:

• Spreading out false information and plot points, to make it impossible for people to discern fact from fiction.
• Only allowing talent agents to come in and read the script rather than sending it out to them. Carter would send it out only to very select actors with their names printed on it. After the audition, the actors were asked to return the script by FedEx.
• Printing the script on RED paper, making it impossible to make clear photocopies.

And if that failed:

• Serial numbers were stamped on each page of every individual script so that if there were any leaks, they could be traced back to its source.

I ponder this complex system as a cup of the world's favourite legal stimulant is delivered into my hands. What becomes of the on-the-set mole if there were one? Fired, surely. Or maybe worse! Horrific images of torture flash through my mind. Electroshock brainwashing. Drawing and quartering. Being locked in a cell alongside John Shiban (with no sharp objects)... yikes!

Just as I'm about to lose it, the hot liquid scalds the inside of my mouth and suddenly, I... AM... SAVED. Colour returns to the world, my eyes unblur. In the clear reflection of the window, I see my body slowly come into focus like a Polaroid, morphing back from the Surfer to the short Asian girl that I am. And outside, off in the distance! How lovely those Douglas Firs and Redwoods are -- such a resemblance to the towering forests of Iowa! Above them, those ravishing snow-tipped mountain peaks of Kansas. And the rocks down below! If someone were to paint them red, it would look just like a stunning panorama of New Mexico's Navajo region! I am coming to a startling revelation as I exit the coffee shop.

"I must be in VANCOUVER!" I exclaim triumphantly to no one in particular.

In fact, the shooting location for Harsh Realm is right here in North Vancouver. Chris Carter may even be in town right now, though I'm sure impossible to reach. I should have taken advantage of being in the man's shoes when I was. Maybe I could have peeked into his brain and gained some insight on a question that continues to pester me -- why all this trouble? I mean, this isn't "Who Shot J.R?" or "Who Killed Laura Palmer?". Why all this for a television pilot?

According to an article in The New York Post, Carter has been driven to such security measures because of the Internet. "We live in an era where the Internet serves as a giant publishing vehicle." he says. (Hey, sorta like The 11th Hour!) "So, anybody who has access to information, material, or a script can immediately get it out there to millions of people. It becomes a big lure to see if you can spoil someone's fun."

A big lure, eh? I hang a right onto Cotton Road and then, as if Destiny was toying with me, I catch something from the corner of my eye hanging on a telephone pole. It is a crew on-location sign with a hot pink arrow sporting "HR" in its centre. I can't believe it! A sign directing me straight towards Harsh Realm's set. Do you really want to spoil my fun, Julie? Carter's voice taunts in my head. I guess I do, because before I realize it, I'm turning off to follow the arrow.

Here's my thing -- Chris Carter is absolutely correct about the speed at which information and/or rumours spread about the Internet. But in regards to towards protecting Harsh Realm, well, it's just dramatic overkill. I mean, there's a healthy dose of paranoia, and then there's nail-the-windows-shut-and-wear-tin-foil-on-your-head paranoia. What some may consider "playing it safe", can also be considered presumptuous. While his supposed motive is to keep low key, it seems as though Carter only brings about more attention to himself and to his secretive series by saying, "Hey, look at me! I am cherished so much that I have to use all these clever precautions to `protect' my new idea from my pesky fans!" I'd never argue that The X-Files isn't an insanely popular show. It's a larger-than-life phenomenon that I was part of for many years. But it took three long years for The X-Files to garner that obsessive following. The critical attention and media adoration caught on even later than that. To presume that all X-philes will automatically love Harsh Realm as equally and devoutly before the pilot even airs is a dangerous fallacy. Evidence needed? Look what happened to Millennium.

And what about the fresh, new audience of 18 to 49 year old males? These are the viewers that I'm sure Fox is catering to. This is the viewer who maybe watched part of an X-Files episode years ago while channel flipping during a commercial of Step by Step on ABC's TGIF Fridays. Would this couch potato go through the trouble to seek out spoilers in the press, or on the internet? If your Average Joe found the last pages of the serial numbered script floating about a public washroom, he'd wipe his ass with them, because he wouldn't know any better. But, for the sake of argument, let's say he did read it accidentally. It shouldn't really matter, because a TV pilot is such an open ended story. Now, I would have been very pissed off if someone had told me how the recent movie, The Sixth Sense ended. I may not have even bothered going to see the film. But a TV pilot is so unlike a movie. Hopefully, in reading the last pages of the script, it would have intrigued me to tune in for more on a regularly weekly basis, not to turn it off.

Ultimately, what about those people out there that Carter is most weary of? The ones who would post every plot point of Harsh Realm onto message boards, fan websites, hand out flyers at their local church or otherwise? Truth be told, these fans will watch Harsh Realm regardless. Even if they knew everything about it beforehand, they will tape it and may watch it over and over again until they've vivisected every angle of the story or their videotape gets mangled from overviewing. Whichever comes first.

Conclusion? These precautions are pointless. There's only way to put it -- it's all bullshit. In fact, I already know of one production company (which will remain nameless) essentially calling 1013 on it when they mockingly announced that due to potential security breaches, they would be printing all of their scripts on red paper, but with red ink! The real explanation is this: as soon as you create an air of mystery by announcing that you're hiding secrets, the natural response to that is want to uncover them. Another example? The late, great filmmaker, Stanley Kubrick had his largest opening box-office weekend of all his films with Eyes Wide Shut. Why? Well, for one, his death upon the completion of editing surely helped to hype it some. But that only added to the initial interest which was piqued by the several accounts of his strictly guarded closed-set which held his crew members captive for almost a year. Whether or not this is a conscious publicity or business stunt, it feels very manipulative to me. But, as the saying goes, any press is good press. Even this article probably. Oh well.

So if I'm so opposed to the intent of these ploys, then why the hell am I surreptitiously following "TO SET" signs for the Harsh Realm crew instead of driving to work, where I am already very late? Because, dammit, these ploys WORK! Even as I try to expose them to you right now, I am simultaneously being suckered by them. As I see a roadblock ahead, the voice inside my head reminds me that curiosity killed the cat. Another familiar voice then returns to taunt me again.

"Do you want to spoil my fun, Julie?"

That does it. I drive on towards the barrier which is guarded by a woman dressed in an orange construction vest.

"Stop!"

My car slows down to a halt, as she leans her head into my window.

"What is your name?" she asks powerfully, seeking some kind of identification on my windshield.

Bah, I could take her. I am not afraid!

"My name is Julie Ng!" I proclaim, kamikaze-like.

"What's you're business here?"

To debunk a sucky publicity scheme!

"Uhmmm..." I hesitate. So much for my confidence. If she is suspicious of my non-reply she doesn't show it. Then she lays the bomb on me:

"What is the air-speed velocity of an unladen swallow?"

Oh God. Oh no. This is the point where I put on my hockey helmet and hide behind the bench! I've seen how this movie ends! Before she can nail me, I yank my gear shift into reverse and get the hell outta Dodge, leaving a cloud of dust around her. I look back to see if she's following me and before my very own eyes, the gate disappears into thin air like a giant mirage. Poof! Gone! You mean to tell me that this whole charade was nothing more than the bending of light rays?! What the -- hey! What's this? The little DECAF box has been checked on the side of my coffee cup! Those punks! This isn't even coffee! It's just some kind of fucked up mind-altering soup, like... flavoured acid or something. Man, what a disappointing cop-out. This feels like every one of those body-switching 6th season X-Files episodes all rolled into one! Damn you, Chris Carter! I burst into dramatic tears.

Moral of the story: Just because I'm an ordinary little person living my sad little life, doesn't mean that I deserve to be had, whether in the form of decaffeinated coffee or other stupid gimmicks. And those people with the power? Wipe those shameless tricky smiles off your faces and worry about the quality of your product. Then the fans, critics and money will naturally follow. Too much hype and gimmickry causes severe backlash and letdown if the product doesn't deliver. Will Harsh Realm deliver? That question remains unanswered for the moment.

Judge for yourself when it premieres on Fox, Friday, October 8 at 9PM.

Or, get a head start and read The 11th Hour's Harsh Realm Review first.

Julie would like to add that she is mostly harmless, but that coffee makes her nervous. Thanks to Jim Coblentz, Linda Sumrall and the Monty Python Troupe for inspiration.

We welcome your comments on our magazine and this article: letters@the11thhour.com