Like everyone else I've made my share of half-laughing/half-skittish jokes whenever I came across a big dog, and I once even nicknamed a baby gopher that we'd saved from our cats "Cujo" due to his less than frightening demeanor, but back in 1983, I was too involved in the horror that was high school to spend my time going to see scary movies. That is why I'd been free of the crapfest that was Cujo until just a few days ago.

Perhaps the Stephen King novel that Cujo was based on is much more frightening and the human characters much less boring and stupid. However, I'll never know because truthfully, I don't want to revisit even close approximations of these characters or their lives. Donna (Dee Wallace) and Vic (Daniel Hugh-Kelly) Trenton, along with their admittedly adorable son Tad (Danny Pintauro), belong more in a Lifetime made for cable movie than they do a horror flick. And did I forget to mention other than Golden Girls and Designing Women (the Delta Burke years) reruns, Lifetime makes me ill?

A long time ago comic Eddie Murphy did a bit about "stupid white people" in horror movies. Cujo is a prime example of this type of behavior. One guy, after being attacked, locks his screen door and actually expects it hold out a rabid St. Bernard while he loads his gun. Then his good buddy, upon finding his ravaged remains in the front hallway, goes traipsing through the house looking for the phone. Does he pick up the gun? Of course not. Oh yeah, and the dog is still there and kills him too. Big surprise.

The point might be made that this was just the setup for the showdown between Donna and Cujo. Maybe. But it's still stupid. Not that it's any smarter than the film's climax. As Eddie would put it? More "stupid white people" behavior. Donna, some little woman, repeatedly takes on this huge St. Bernard and repeatedly gets her ass kicked. Then when she has the chance to ensure that he isn't getting up again, she just gets up and walks off. Sorry. As ASPCA as I am, I'd still pump his noggin full of bullets. Hey! He's rabid and dying already. Put the poor pup out of his (and our) misery!

I never thought that anyone could surpass the "stupid" that was Freddie Prinze, Jr. in Wing Commander. Dee Wallace however, has stolen his crown.

DROOL FACTOR: Daniel Hugh-Kelly is too yuppie for even my tastes in this movie and the rest of the cast is a bunch of guys who need to bathe more regularly.

GROSS-OUT FACTOR: Dee Wallace's puffy 80's sleeves. The fact that she was driving a PINTO FOR GODSAKES! The imagined stink of most of the male cast.

STRONG CHICK FACTOR: Dee Wallace is too stupid in this movie to be considered a strong chick.

-- Linda M. Najera

Cujo is currently available on video.