When Good Fantasy Goes Bad
The Never-ending trend of fantasy films that suck.
      by Christina Brzustoski

THE LAST UNICORN (1982)
Directed by Jules Bass and Arthur Rankin, Jr.
Written by Peter S. Beagle

With the aid of an inexperienced wizard and an aging woman, a lonely unicorn tries to find others of her species. Nerds everywhere relate.

Amalthea checks out the view in The Last Unicorn.

What's good about it: Although I haven't read Beagle's novel, I've heard that the movie stays pretty true to the story. Plus you have the endearingly dorky Smendrick, that cool singing butterfly who annoys the Unicorn, and the hilarious skeleton who likes to drink out of empty wine bottles. Some scenes, particularly the Harpy's attack on evil Mommy Fortuna, and the Red Bull's pursuit of Amalthea are truly frightening. Then, of course, there's the music. Though some might want to put this in the "what went wrong" category, America (the band, that is) rocks. This movie wouldn't be nearly as good without them.

What went wrong: Why couldn't Rankin and Bass let America do all the music? That sappy song the off-key Prince sings just ruins everything, complete with the montage of this scrawny guy killing dragons and presenting their heads to a mortified Amalthea. Another mortifying scene is the buxom tree-woman who hits on Smendrick. It's definitely creepy, but for all the wrong reasons.

Overall: The Last Unicorn is one of the better fantasy outings, but still falls flat of its potential. It's too uneven, mixing some honestly scary or poignant scenes with some downright laughable ones. Oh yeah, and Mia Farrow's voice gets a bit grating.

THE NEVERENDING STORY (1984)
Directed by Wolfgang Petersen
Written by Michael Ende, Wolfgang Petersen, and Hermann Weigel

"The never-ending sto-o-reee..la la la, la la la, la la la..." "You sing that song again and you're going back to Earth, pal!"

A young boy discovers the world of Fantasia and all its luckdragons, snail races and rock creatures.

What's good about it: The story itself is intriguing and could have been an amazing movie, but the acting, the special fx and everything else is just bad. Even the one almost-cool scene -- Bastian scaring his bullying schoolmates away while riding a luckdragon -- is so hokey-looking that it's impossible to watch without cringing.

What went wrong: There's almost too much to write for this category. The whiny, screaming hero Atreju is beyond annoying, as is Bastian, his almost indistinguishable counterpart in the "real" world. Everything seems to be thrown on screen just for the hell of it, with very little coherency. Somewhere beneath all this, there's a pretty neat story -- but amidst all the crappy animatronics effects, bad acting, and the shrill screeching Atreju, it's hopeless to distinguish it.

Overall: The ultimate example of a great fantasy story that became a terrible movie.

LEGEND (1985)
Directed by Ridley Scott
Written by William Hjortsberg

Eye candy indeed.

In a Land Before Time that was deprived of talking dinosaurs, young Tom Cruise and Ferris Bueller's girlfriend learn there can be no good without evil, no love without hate and a handful of other equally profound oxymorons.

What's good about it: Beautiful images abound in this Ridley Scott picture. We see gorgeous waterfalls, snowy landscapes, and mystical fields filled with prancing unicorns, even as Tim Curry's Darkness seeks to rid the world of all that is good and light. Once again, a nice plot that sadly falters as the movie progresses.

What went wrong: If only the wonderful cinematography could have been matched by a sense of coherency. Too often the plot is thrown aside as a surreal musical scene occurs. It might have been nice to throw in some dialogue during these scenes to give an idea of just what the hell was going on. And there are too many prosthetic creatures to give any sense of realism, which is especially essential for a fantasy movie. Curry's devil costume is just plain goofy.

Overall: Lots of pretty eye candy, not enough substance.

LABYRINTH (1986)
Directed by Jim Henson
Written by Dennis Lee, Jim Henson, and Terry Jones

Unaware of the Goblin King's love for her, a young girl mistakenly wishes for her baby brother to be shipped off to the Goblins. When he disappears, she sets off to the mysterious Labyrinth, fighting time and David Bowie's advances, to save baby Toby before he's transformed into a Goblin.

David Bowie plays a creature from another time -- the 1980s -- in Labyrinth.

What's good about it: It's a Muppet movie, and that always means kooky characters and a playful, imaginative storyline.

What went wrong: Well, it's a Muppet movie, and that means funny-looking puppets that sing stupid, cheesy songs. Now I love the Muppets as much as anyone, especially Gonzo. However, especially in this time where it's possible to film your wildest dreams using computer technology, special FX involving puppets that aren't Yoda just don't cut it.

But that's not Labyrinth's only flaw: there's the issue of David Bowie. Ziggy Stardust himself does a pretty admirable job as the smitten, scheming Jareth; it's just that those skin-tight Goblin King pants don't belong in a children's movie. Or any movie, for that matter.

Overall: Labyrinth is a lot of fun to watch, really. But with the sometimes annoying Muppet cast -- and all those dopey songs -- it falters as just a genuine fantasy flick.

WILLOW (1988)
Directed by Ron Howard
Written by Bob Dolman and George Lucas

A pre-Leprechaun Warwick Davis tries to save a baby from an evil Sorceress.

"Heed these words, my son: Leprechaun 6 is a bad, bad thing."

What's good about it: It's a George Lucas film through and through, from the opening Ewok village to the chase scenes to the final showdown. We have the innocent farmboy, the brash rogue, the mystical mentor, the strong-willed chick and the funny sidekicks. It's just like Star Wars -- and that's hardly ever a bad thing.

What went wrong: Willow is a thoroughly entertaining movie, probably the best the genre has to offer, but that doesn't mean it doesn't have its faults. While the majority of the special FX are top-notch (this is ILM, even if it's 1988), the trolls and the larger monster it transforms into are pretty hokey-looking and that can detract from the film itself.

What also detracts from Willow, besides the just-a-little-irritating title character, is the finale between the two sorceresses. Sure, the special FX are pretty cool, but the magical gibberish that they screech at each other is kinda silly -- definitely not the best way to end this mostly-enjoyable flick. And I won't mention the fact that once the bad-ass Sorsha falls for Mad Martigan, she kinda doesn't have any lines anymore. What's up with that?

Overall: C'mon, it's George Lucas! Even if Wicket the Ewok is the star, the rest of the cast and strong story -- particularly the yummy Val Kilmer as Harrison Ford, er, Mad Martigan -- make Willow stand apart from its mediocre brethren.

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