issue 4 - sept 1999

(F)eatures
Buffy's Nicholas Brendon, fan sites shut down, find your scifi dream date, more...

(M)ovie reviews
Princess Mononoke, Joan of Arc

(V)ideo reviews
Hot Guys Who Make Bad Movies and the Chicks Who Dig Them

(T)v reviews
Buffy, Angel, Now and Again, Roswell, First Wave

(M)ovie news
Upcoming films list, Bats, The House on Haunted Hill, more...

(M)essage board
(L)etters
(M)asthead
(P)ast issues
(M)edia
(L)inks
(F)ront page
 
 

As a byproduct of the recent "Kevin Bacon Shoveling" extravaganza, one of the staff members has taken to playing her Footloose soundtrack obsessively. And while that might be considered a bad thing (Mike Reno = Loverboy = bad), when Bonnie Tyler belts out her rousing confession of needing a hero "fresh from the fight", we all get glassy eyed and for a few precious moments are lost in our own personal visions of a string of MTV-like clips starring our favorite genre boys in action. Ultimately, the question arises -- why don't I have a guy like that?!

Yes, the Man Hunt can oftentimes be discouraging. Most of the time it turns out that they're either already taken or playing for the other team, right? And there are millions of fisheys in the sea. With that kind of selection how can you be expected to ever find your soul mate? Perhaps there is no way to limit yourself to just a single stud muffin, but The 11th Hour is always looking for ways to help our readers. Maybe we can help you narrow down the field. To that end we came up with the first ever The 11th Hour Hero Compatibility Quiz.

No, we haven't suddenly become possessed by the self-depreciating spirits of Cosmopolitan, New Woman, Glamour, or Seventeen. But, like you, we've all sat in reception areas, breakrooms, and living rooms flipping through vapid fashion mags (because those places never have Fangoria or Cinefantastique) as half-hearted attempts to avoid falling asleep and embarrassing ourselves with a bout of loud snoring.

So, with our scientifically proven questions, take a hold of your mouse and get ready to match your personality type with the manly-man who'd be perfect for you.

We hope you still respect us when you're done. And, uh, Rebecca Romijn-Stamos and the rest of her tribe of supermodel freaks of nature can go to Hell!

The 11th Hour Hero Compatibility Quiz

1. You and your last ex broke up because you:
well... You never really broke up. He just sort of disappeared. But he still sends postcards every once in a while!
hated how he insisted on driving like a geriatric -- he even drove below the speed limit in mall parking lots!
grew tired of listening to that himbo talk for hours about his favorite subject: himself.
found out he had a slut in every port.

2. That old shoebox in the corner of your closet? It contains:
medals from stock car racing competitions.
a collection of shrunken heads from Africa.
remnants of your punk phase, including your Ramones tapes and your 'anarchy' symbol stud earring.
a journal full of bad poetry (hey, at least you tried).

3. For your birthday, your dream man would give you:
the latest Dick Tracy watch so you could call him from anywhere.
a mint copy of "The Death of Superman" which you foolishly threw out in a pile of newspapers.
a map to AREA 51.
a souped up car whose engine is so hyped up that you have to gas up at the airport because it only runs on jet fuel.

4. Your most embarrassing guilty pleasure is:
Kolchak: The Night Stalker
Dynasty ('cause you dig Blake Carrington)
Xena: Warrior Princess
Playing Quake all night

5. Your idea of the perfect first date:
high stakes Midget Wrestling in Las Vegas.
a Wagnerian opera.
binoculars, a big bag o' Cheetos, and staking out a criminal mastermind.
bowling.

6. The kind of physical trait that you find most sexy is:
a smug, lopsided grin (a man of confidence).
a chronically bleeding nose (brings colour to his cheeks).
a neck navel (new and exotic erogenous zone).
a balding head or greying hair (a man of great experience).

7. Your favorite song:
"The Hungry Wolf" - X
"People Are Strange" - The Doors
"Sympathy for the Devil" - The Rolling Stones
"When I'm 64" - The Beatles

8. The most tolerable come-on attempt at a bar:
He doesn't do anything but give you the occasional look. He just sits in the back, carrying the weight of the world on his shoulders.
"Hey, didn't we go to the same school... but at different times?"
"Come home with me tonight and we can eat boiled broccoli under the stars together. But we'll have to be discreet 'cause I think I'm being followed by an evil faction that wants to kill me."
He gallantly pulls out a stool for you, then spits blood from his mouth onto the floor.

9. You know it's love when...
he actually listens to a description of your nightmare.
he asks you to tell the tattoo artist hovering over him how to spell your name.
he reams you out for operating outside of accepted protocol but makes up for it by cooking you dinner and regaling you with tales of his own misspent youth.
at the local newsstand, you both reach for the last copy of the latest Lone Gunman newsletter.

10. Who needs porno when this Jim Cameron classic makes you all hot and bothered?
The Abyss ("Oooh! Hunky Ed Harris!")
Aliens ("Ooooh! Colonial Marines!")
Piranha II: The Spawning ("Oooh! Flying human-eating-blood-sucking fish!")
Terminator 2: Judgment Day ("Oooh! Maximum carnage with cool guns!")

11. The cartoon you loved most as a kid was:
G.I. Joe
Schoolhouse Rock
Scooby Doo
Bugs Bunny


   


The webmaster would like to extend a special geeker thank you to Robobob for correcting her crazy-assed bastard-son-of-Perl to make this page go in true Perl-y fashion... not just once, but twice!







© 1999 The 11th Hour. Contents may not be reproduced without the express permission of The 11th Hour and the author(s). E-mail info@The11thHour.com.