Extreme Doing Nothing
These foolish games are messing with our heads.
      by Rachel Hyland

Call out Will Smith. We're being invaded.

I always find it amusing -- because I am that easily entertained -- that computer games, despite their name, can be played on a computer, a console, or on a hand-held unit. (And video games aren't played on videos.) One benefit of using a PC -- aside from the ability to slack off at work -- is that you can always drum up competition by dialing out to the Internet if you have no friends that are allowed to come over and play... or no friends at all. Which often means doing battle with someone you have never ever met, never ever played against, and perhaps wouldn't even like (which is, naturally, why you want to kill 'em so badly.) In fact, that's a clever plan to end global warfare right there: we should just get world leaders to compete with each other across the tense battlefield that is Diablo II, and whoever kills Mephisto first gets to be boss of the UN. Or however that works.

A console has its benefits too, though. Okay, sure, you can't resolve that troublesome quarrel about the Gaza Strip with it -- at least, not on all of them -- but you can never complain that there is nothing on TV. 'Cause there always is. And it's way more interactive than even the Home Shopping Network. Also, many games made for console are not made in PC versions, so if you truly want to experience the fast-paced action of Street Fighter II or Tekken, you have to buy more hardware. Of course, even once you have decided to go console, you then have to decide which one to get...

Do not underestimate the power of PlayStation, they tell me. Well, why not? It's just, like, a computer game console, isn't it? It doesn't hold the secret to cold fission or anything, right? The PlayStation at my house has lain dormant for about a million years, so there won't be a secret-stealing Val Kilmer in my otherwise very Elisabeth Shue-like life, even if it does. And, y'know, I'm pretty okay with that.

Consider it not under-estimated.

The famous Sony PlayStation is the most popular game console in the world (I always have flashes of "Station!" from Bill and Ted's Bogus Journey when I say it, though), and the recent addition of PlayStation 2 to the gamer lexicon seems to have proved once and for all that, when it comes to all things computer game-y, sequels are actually a good thing. PS2 has sold millions in Japan alone, and its forthcoming US release is awaited feverishly by one and all. With hundreds upon hundreds of games to PlayStation's credit -- including a lot of media tie-ins -- and new games coming out by the score... well. Don't underestimate the power, is all.

Over at Nintendo, makers of the modestly named Nintendo 64 game console and holders of one of the lamest websites ever seen for a technological company, things are just as exciting. After all, Nintendo's most famous proteges, the Mario Brothers, have a new hobby -- tennis! Having realized that last year's golf is a game not especially popular within the plumbing community -- or their target buying audience -- those wacky Italians are getting more active by playing this less-elite sport. (What's next? Mario Bros: Polo?)

Donkey Kong (or DK, as he is affectionately known -- and, wow, I have a pair of his jeans!) is also one of the opponents in this tournament of champions... gosh, isn't it nice that Donkey Kong is still around? Though it's sad that they took from him his true source of strength: that never-ending supply of barrels. Was it ever explained why he thought barrels were, like, the ultimate weapon? No. But then, was it ever explained why a gorilla was named Donkey and was holding a Princess prisoner at a secret unnamed location that was one of his -- seemingly many -- mansions, castles and ancient forts? Well... not really. And I can't see how that could make sense to anyone not on some very impressive doses of cough medicine. Or who was eight.

And then there's Dreamcast. Exactly what is the difference between the old rival consoles of N64 and PS (see, I'm on acronym basis with them, now) and this upstart from Sega I am obviously not privileged enough to know, but apparently the Dreamcast is cool. And such. Sure, it has amazing graphics, some well-regarded games, a built-in modem and is, to many, the ultimate platform. But for me, the best thing about Dreamcast is that it's appearance provoked anew the debate on the correct pronunciation of "Sega." I say See-gah. You say Say-gah. (Let's call the whole thing off.) No, not even that is fun for very long. I'm assured that the games are, though.

Of course, the consoles do not end there. How could they, what with being so popular and money-generating and all, and yet Microsoft having no part of it? So, to repair that obvious flouting of the will of the gods, brace yourselves, kids, for the fabled Xbox; the definitive game console of the new millennium, or some such rigmarole. Promising unparalleled opportunity in time wastage -- it even plays DVDs! -- the Xbox is slated for its dramatic entrance in 2001, and is destined to be quite the game odyssey. It has certainly sparked all kinds of interest and dread in a world-weary gamer-ulace, and has already won awards for its coolness before it has even been released. (It also, incidentally, has a great website, if you're into that sort of thing.)

Lara Croft with an Oscar... funny.

Microsoft's pledge is that all Xbox games will feature the most realistic graphics ever seen in game technology, which is fine as far as that goes. You can't help but wonder, though, just how real we want them to make this stuff. The realer it gets, the less real the real world looks, and pretty soon you are just stuck indoors in the perpetual halcyon world of pixel-ated perfection, and then where are you? I mean, what's a gamer to do when his or her Vitamin D count gets into the red zone?

Well, hey, if you can't make with the gamin' indoors, you can always take it on the road with you! Yep, when your mother tells you to get outside in the sunshine for some fresh air, darn it, you don't have to leave the virtual world behind. All you need is a Gameboy. Most of the people in the world seem to have a Gameboy, or one of it's clones. Hell, even I have a Gameboy. It's red, and it's quite the cool ('cause it came with Tetris as standard. Hey, I'd probably think leprosy was cool if it came with Tetris as standard.) Many of the games available on Gameboy -- and the even groovier Gameboy Color -- are scaled down versions of PC and console games, and are just as tricky and unsolvable...

Which, I might add disapprovingly, is where the "Cheats" come in.

< Previous Page | Next Page >