Extreme Doing Nothing
These foolish games are messing with our heads.
      by Rachel Hyland

You know what I'm talking about. The cheats. Oh sure, some sites may refer to them as "tips" or "tricks," may allude to them as "hints" or "guides." But, hey, they're telling you how to win the game, and that is cheating, friends. And don't say you didn't know. I mean, it's pretty much summed up right there in the name.
"Boy, Billy, how did you get that far in the game?"
"I used the cheats."
"You cheated!"
"No, Tommy, I used the... uh... ch.. well, the... okay, sure, I cheated."
"Cool! Can I cheat too?"
"Sure."

Racing pods. Yippee.

What is this teaching the youngsters of today, I ask you? It's just big ol' sneaking-a-peek, writing-on-your-shoe, stealing-the-exam-paper cheating! Without the threat of expulsion, naturally. Though you probably should be ousted from the Gamer Hall of Fame, carrying on with such shenanigans. (Though I bet your degree at RPG University would be assured.)

But the computer game websites that are the fonts of this knowledge are not just designed to help cheaters never prosper. Occasionally a computer game will have its bugs, and a "patch" will be made available from the game's website, to fix the technical difficulties, and also to foster loyalty to these games... You just download the update and boom! One new, improved, extra-strength game with added fibre to go.

If only such had been available right from the beginning of the game boom! Then perhaps that forgotten child of the computer game world, Doom, might have lasted longer.

Doom, if I am remembering it correctly, was this whole battling Martians extravaganza where you had to fight aliens -- and other alien-fighters -- in order to (what else?) get the highest score. The Doom craze really was the first I ever heard of the Internet, way back in my younger, simpler, and far more life-possessing days, 'cause all of my friends were getting on-line and giving it a go at my school library. And just as I was starting to get interested in it enough to have a try, said library was forced to take all such games off the PCs by the academic authorities. The only other time I have been that incensed with a government agency is when Section One made Nikita not love Michael anymore with their evil brainwashing sarcophagus thing. Bastards.

But. Nevermind that. And, hey, with La Femme Nikita coming to an ignominious end in the near future, maybe Roy Dupuis will get to play someone in the Doom movie that some studio, desperate to cash in on the nostalgia of game buffs -- or the release of Doom 2 -- a few years from now, will inevitably make...

'Cause, oh, boy. Movies from video games. What a great idea that has turned out to be! And the highest profile such movie is the forthcoming Tomb Raider, starring Academy Award winner Angelina Jolie (and I never get tired of how funny that is), due out in the US next year. The tale of archaeologist-cum-black-belt-cum-Playboy-centerfold Lara Croft, the Tomb Raider Action/Adventure game is one of the most popular of its kind (already with sequel number four on the way), and the movie, directed by Con Air's king of explosions, Simon West, probably has more chance than most of actually being watchable. We can only hope that it will be to video games what the recent, Hugh Jackman-blessed X-Men adaptation was to comics. After a succession of truly dreadful attempts -- Mortal Kombat, Street Fighter, Wing Commander (which I think qualifies as a violation of several Human Rights Laws) -- the game-to-movie concept needs a big hit to ensure that cutie-pie Link of Legend of Zelda fame will one day get to be played by a blonde-dyed Haley Joel Osment. And, uh... James Van Der Beek in grown-up form, perhaps?

Kind of like Ender's Game, when you think about it.

Hmm. Perhaps not.

But what of Pokemon? you cry piteously. After all, that has produced successful movies, has it not? And yes, it certainly, inexplicably, was. It has often been said with something approaching awe that the Pokemon TV show -- and the accursed movies -- are so very faithful to both the spirit and the reality of the game that they couldn't help but be successful. Having seen them, I can only assume that this means the game is entirely crappy too. And thus, it just doesn't count. Deal with it, and let us for God's sake move on to happier topics.

For while the video-game-to-movie genre may have been suffering, the movie-to-video-game industry has been getting it done, and usually done well. As early as the 80's, successful games were being made out of successful films. Movies about video games, like The Last Starfighter (Alex Rogan was right up there with the Boy Who Could Fly as my childhood crush) produced games of their own... and hey! Remember Tron? Bruce Boxleitner, Jeff Bridges, and a whole bunch of cool technical wizardry for the whole family! I vaguely remember a Tron game on my Atari when I was a kid... but I think I got it at about the same time I got Ms Pac-Man, so you can imagine which game was played more.

Of course, it's a little different now. With few movies being made about video game playing (the last one I remember was... um... the still-cute-Fred Savage/not-yet-a-felon-Christian Slater vehicle, The Wizard?), the latest movie tie-in games are being made from aspects of film plots, or characters, or even single scenes. And while they are frequently big sellers -- for which they owe allegiance to the Goldeneye game, a revolutionizing force in media tie-in games -- the transition for the game player is not always so successful...

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