So, say you're in a big spooky haunted former sanitarium. And say you get a million dollars if you can just survive the night. Using that hypothetical situation, tell me truthfully... would you stick around in the lush ground floor rooms where there's nice couches and a wet bar, or would you wander around in the maze-like basement where mental patients were slaughtered and there's still fun stuff like electroshock therapy and display cases full of dead things?

Well, if you're a half-way smart person, you're gonna sit around all night at the bar and get a little tipsy, and you're gonna walk away in the morning a million bucks richer. Unfortunately, none of the people in The House on Haunted Hill were anywhere near smart.

But they didn't just wander around the house being scared out of their wits, like you'd expect from a horror movie. Oh, no. They traveled not once or twice but quite a few times into the basement looking for a way out of the house or trying to find some other moron who'd wandered off. Now we're talking about a place that, if you weren't already in danger from ghosts, you'd surely label a firetrap. And they've all gotta say, "Oh, what's in here? Vats of blood, how neat! Oooh, electroshock! Hey look, big scary-lookin' metal chamber, we should lock somebody in there! Hey... you don't suppose that these large streaks of blood on the floor mean that our missing companion is dead, do you?"

I'm all for a little suspense. I dig on horror movies, even when they're a bit campy. What I've never really liked is movies where I want to scream at the "protagonists" for being so incredibly stupid. I've always believed that one of the keys of successful movie-making, especially with films that involve death, is making the audience care when someone dies. At least develop the characters a little. Show us even a tiny, thin slice of humanity in them. I was, therefore, hoping for far more than The House on Haunted Hill was willing to deliver. As the first feature from Dark Castle, a new production company helmed by Robert Zemekis and Joel Silver, I really hope it doesn't set a precedent for the company's future.

Aside from the asinine quality of the entire thing, House does have its moments. Geoffrey Rush, in particular, tries very hard at a very bad role. Some of the opening scenes give us such entertainment as Lisa Loeb playing reporter and James Marsters as her cameraman (who, by the way, spends the bulk of his small part screaming like a ten-year-old girl). Max Perlich also shows up, though his role is also small. I had to wonder if the movie would've been better if they'd put their supporting cast in the lead roles instead, then quickly decided that I wouldn't wish an extended stint in this movie on anyone. Taye Diggs, Famke Janssen, and Chris Kattan all do pretty good turns, but no one really shines -- or even comes off as memorable -- with such a script. Between mentally ranting at the characters for their stupidity and wondering what kind of moron would bother to rebuild a haunted mental institution after a fire, I watched the show with some detached amusement and placed mental bets on who would die next and which body part would be found. If you do get dragged into going to see Haunted Hill, go with friends... you can make a game of guessing what moron's going to get themselves killed next. And if you're going to place actual bets, I can help you along a bit... I just want a cut of the winnings. I've gotta get that $4.50 admission price back somehow.

DROOL FACTOR: I don't care if he's developed a talent for screaming like a little girl; James Marsters is still lust on legs. Taye Diggs is also a bona fide hottie, but his lines are so bad I kinda feel sorry for the guy.

GROSS-OUT FACTOR: Abundant. Severed heads, dripping goo, surgery on conscious patients... you name it, they've probably got it. Strangely, the Big Evil is probably the least frightening thing encountered in the house, but I'm sure it's got a fragile ego, so try not to laugh too hard when you see it.

STRONG CHICK FACTOR: Famke Janssen does pretty well as Evelyn Price, and Ali Larter's Sarah would probably qualify as strong, if not particularly smart.

-- Lisa Kohles

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