Book of Shadows: The Blair Witch Project 2
Wow, they made a whole movie about the book from Charmed!

"We must cast the spell immediately! I woke up this morning with these weird things all over my body... what are they called again?" "Clothes."

Book of Shadows: The Blair Witch Project 2 is a film made by and for people who hold the horror audience in contempt. If any movie this year displays the condescension and bitterness of the studio system -- the assumption that not only would their audience shun anything intelligent or interesting, but would fail to grasp when they themselves are being mocked -- it is this incoherent, blathering mess. What is most repugnant about this sequel is not that the main characters are so unappealing, but the notion that these are the people to whom the target audience should naturally relate.

Artisan admitted as much a few weeks ago in an email sent to sites across the net, pleading, without irony, "Webmasters, we desperately need your help (and a link to http://www.blairwitchwebfest.com)! It's a matter of life and death for your site visitors. These poor saps hit the conventions, surf online, and are addicted to Blair Witch lore. Don't deny them! Please let your visitors know about this life-saving, perhaps even life-changing, event happening soon at http://www.blairwitchwebfest.com." This is the attitude of Blair Witch 2. It is one rooted in an amusing self-importance and sore underestimation of the loyalties of "poor saps." Poor saps, you see, tend to have these strange flashes of taste and discretion when presented with a piece of boring, mindless crap, especially when said crap prominently features a bunch of really ugly naked people. Even the richest of poor saps is unlikely to shell out $9.50 for film which fails to acknowledge that its title is stolen from the hit Shannen Doherty WB series, Charmed. I mean, that's just plain disrespectful.

"Hey, is this where I can audition for The St. Francisville Experiment?"

Blair Witch 2 is the third terrible horror film sequel I've seen this year that revolved around a horror film. But while Scream 3 and Urban Legends attempted to spoof the filmmakers, Blair Witch 2 murders, in both character and physicality, its own fan base. The film revolves around five moronic fans who trek on out to Burkittsville, as many did in the summer of 1999, when people actually cared about Blair Witch, to relive the first film's moments. Words fail to capture the idiocy of this storyline. If you hate Blair Witch, you're not likely to see the movie anyway, but if you love it, and you see it, and you see how your fandom is portrayed... this is not a movie you're going to be recommending to a friend. You'll feel not only ashamed for being in the theater, but kind of sketchy about the original movie as well. Self-loathing and self-aggrandization do not a good sequel make.

Naked, Satanic orgies don't particularly help matters either. After a brief mock "documentary" opening (this part is actually funny, and unfortunately may trick you into thinking the film might be good), we are greeted with the sight of five stock characters tramping not-so-merrily through the woods. There's Kim, "The Goth" (she chain-smokes and wears all black clothing and is, like, really evil!); Erica "The Wiccan" (naturally, being a Wiccan, she gets it on with Kim later in the film); Jeff, "The Corporate Shill" (okay, he's just the tour guide, but he's got a larger display of Blair Witch 2 merchandise than Artisan); Tristine, "The Pregnant Chick" (hey, let's close up on her miscarriage for shock value! Won't that be great for all the female fans, especially those who've had pregnancy problems in their lifetime?); and Stephen, "The Other Guy" (he's just sort of there, lacking even enough characterization to merit a stereotype). About twenty minutes into the movie, they come across another tour group. This group has -- oh, no! -- foreign people in it, including two of the most degrading Asian stereotypes on film in recent memory. What will our heroes do? Kill them, of course! While high! And drunk! And naked! And on camera! Wow, those poor saps who saw the first film are going to love this!

We hear ya, pal.

Residents of Burkittsville, I pray for you.

The general rule to a horror sequel is to up the ante, and Blair Witch is no exception. And while it follows the basic pattern -- more violence, more gore, more sex --- it also manages to emphasize all that was bad in the original while negating all that was good. Incoherent storytelling and sloppy camera work? Check. Original plot, good acting and a strong female lead character? See ya. If you thought the first one, with its improvised dialogue and documentary feel, was hard to follow, Blair Witch 2 is downright inscrutable. The makers of the film use a device that can only be described as "flash-forward" -- repeatedly slicing a scene with a few seconds from what happens at the end of the movie. It's like having someone take a (not particularly good) novel and read the last page aloud to you at random intervals. About twenty minutes in, you know exactly what will happen, exactly who will live or die, and not by your own powers of discretion, but because they come right out and tell you. If that's not holding your audience in contempt, I don't know what is.

A visit to the set of Charmed takes a deadly turn in Book of Shadows.

Adding to the confusion is the fact that none of the "flash-forwards" make any sense. Numerous scripts were passed through the Artisan machine before Book of Shadows: Blair Witch 2 was made, and it's as if the pages of two utterly disparate ones were somehow thrown together. Director Joe Berlinger, due to the fact that aliens swooped down from the planet Suckdom and replaced the man who made Paradise Lost with a twig-beating drone, certainly didn't notice the oversight. But apparently someone at Artisan did, and, realizing that said filmed scenes would make little sense if shown in the past, decided to present them in a future that never existed. My, aren't we trippy? Aren't we clever. Aren't we the makers of the biggest box office bomb of the year.

Yes, yes you are. Poor saps. I feel your pain.

DROOL FACTOR: NO.

GROSS-OUT FACTOR: Tons of blood, gore, and corporate slime.

STRONG CHICK FACTOR: Miscarriages used for shock value and superslut Wiccans are not what strong chick dreams are made of.

-- Sarah Kendzior

Book of Shadows: Blair Witch 2 is currently playing.

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