Freakylinks
"Subject: Desert Squid! Myth or Legend?"

Airdate: November 3, 2000

Okay, I'll admit it; I'm a sucker. I actually rather liked the two initial episodes of Freakylinks. In spite of the rumored troubles occurring behind the scenes, I was impressed with the creepy atmosphere, the chemistry and interplay among the characters, and the fact that the plotlines didn't take themselves too seriously. Out of curiosity, I checked out the website and found a stimulating, intricately planned website that actually outclassed the show. In spite of its flaws and rough edges, I held a sliver of hope for Freakylinks, one that progressively shrank as further episodes subjected me to white-skinned underground dwellers in New York City (for which Los Angeles was used as a poor double) and winged prehistoric monstrosities that, although we never saw them, liked to attack high school partiers.

Now that I've seen an episode dealing with a giant, cattle-mutilating desert squid, that hope has vanished more quickly than the show's original set of producers.

For the record, the show opens smack in the middle of what we will later learn to be its climax (also known as in medias res to snooty screenwriter types as well as Latin-speaking monks, none of whom probably watch this show) and Derek then proceeds to narrate the events leading up to it. The climax itself finds Derek, Jason, Chloe, and a mystery guest known only as "Falcon" trapped inside a mobile home in the middle of East Texas by... well, by what appears to be the aforementioned giant, cattle-mutilating desert squid. Okay, now say that with me just one more time for posterity's sake -- all together now -- giant, cattle-mutilating desert squid. Try it again in an ominous tone of voice and see if it sounds any better. No? Didn't think so.

Why, oh why, you ask, is our intrepid web team in the Lone Star State investigating dusty cephalopods? Is it all a part of the show's elaborate (read nonexistent) mythology? Does the story tie into the pasts of any of the characters? Does it have anything whatsoever to do with a shady corporation that not only manufactures toilet paper and light bulbs, but also likes to toy with human genetics in its spare time? If you answered in the affirmative to the above three questions, then you win the... well, you don't win anything, actually, but you do share my pain.

Yep, this is an episode that features a laundry list of most of the common television genre conventions, and it throws in a few originals for good measure. Here are a few of them:

a) There is a cute dog that almost gets our heroes horrendously killed.
b) There are creepy guys wearing dark suits and sunglasses who drive black Suburbans with tinted windows.
c) More than one scene features a severed squid tentacle crawling around and menacing our heroes.
d) There is one major character who has no other reason for being in the story aside from the fact that she, in her own words, "had nothing better to do." Later on, the guys'll have to save her, `cause she's, like, a girl and stuff.
e) There's an underground laboratory just chock full of juicy secrets.
f) At least two characters get killed and are later served to unsuspecting customers at a roadside restaurant as the blue plate special.
g) Did I mention the severed tentacle? Yeah, well, it deserves special attention.

Sure, I realize the current producers (hand-picked by Fox execs, and we all know how trustworthy they are) are scrambling to find a voice for the show, but if this is their best effort, then I'm all for jettisoning Freakylinks in favor of World's Wildest Security Cam Videos. At least then I would not be forced to watch as Texans (my home state, no less) are painted as nothing more than a bunch of silly, inbred hicks living in a godforsaken wasteland who spend their waking days scratching their heads while spouting off lines like "Kumm ta Texus, if yew dar." I wouldn't have to endure three glib twenty-somethings documenting the proceedings with a videocamera while making fun of the poor yokels to their faces and laughing over the fact that these dim rednecks just don't get it. And I could certainly do without ever seeing a character voice a thought on a revealing clue only to be met with an answer of "Give Sherlock a pickle."

At one point late in the show, stalwart sidekick Jason says "Man, I never thought I'd say I'd be running away from a giant desert squid." Dude, I have you beat. I never thought I'd be writing about one.

By now, both myself and the five other viewers who've been tuning in regularly have no doubt heard that Fox has decided to pull Freakylinks off the air due to its unbelievably low ratings. One executive has been quoted as saying that it might return to the airwaves sometime in December. How likely is it that this will be the case? If you answered "not bloody likely," well... give Sherlock a pickle.

-- David Rosiak

Freakylinks airs at 9pm EST/8pm MNT, Fridays on Fox.

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