Roswell
"Harvest"

Airdate: November 6, 2000

For reasons that still don't make any real sense, Max, Liz, Isabel, and Tess travel to Copper Summit, Arizona to investigate where Congresswoman Whitaker both grew up and supposedly, just recently, died. Meanwhile, Michael and Maria snoop around Courtney's place only to discover that she has an altar dedicated to the ill-coifed one and has been staking out his place from across the way.

Although the HairDuo have the more interesting, and ultimately revealing, adventure, I'll focus on the road trip idiots first so I won't fall asleep before finishing this review. Plus, I get to call them all kinds of stupid again and that's always a lot of fun.

The Shoulda-Been King and his Little Momma

So the Brain Trust head off to Arizona to do a little investigating and ends up being talked into staying with Congresswoman Whitaker's family. Never mind that the place is creepy in that everything-matches sort of theme-park kind of way and the locals talk like yokels as if they've forgotten that they're from Arizona and not some seriously inbred South'ren stereotype of a place that you find in bad episodes of The X-Files. Although early on Max, in what can only be called an unforseen-moment-of-genius, declares that no one is to go off wandering by themselves, both the love of his life and his sister ignore his leaderly-like mandate. Unfortunately nothing happens to Liz (dammit!), but Isabel's rampaging stupidity leads her straight into danger.

That's not to say that Moo, Monotone, and Bimbo fare much better by staying at the funeral. It seems that the entire town, in Stepford-like fashion, needs extra moisturizing lotion like a mo-fo. Yup, the place is lousy with "Skins" who are so happy that the Royal Four (or at least some of them) lost a lot of their brains when they were injected with human DNA and have fallen quite nicely into the trap set for them. So while Isabel moans piteously as a "Skin" pelts her with alien mojo, Monotone tries to valiantly protect Moo and Bimbo by projecting some alien mojo of his own. When Bimbo finally decides that hey, maybe she should pitch in some, it's a case of too little, too late. But at least she did something, not like Liz who didn't even have the two functioning brain cells it required to think, "Maybe I should crawl over and open the door behind us so we can get out of this stinkhole."

Lucky for them (and my rapidly closing eyelids) the HairDuo -- and their friendly neighborhood Skin-Stalker-Skank -- come to their rescue. So you don't need to worry, no one gets hurt except the bad guys. Dammit.

While the Brain Trust went off and proved that the Royal Four's losing control of their planet was no fluke, Michael and Maria got to work with the actual logical part of the story. They discover Courtney's shrine to Michael and later confront her with her really weird and sick obsession.

Here's where we get a twist, which I have to admit that I liked. It seems that politics on the homeworld wasn't as simplistic as Max's normal thought patterns. It's not just a case of them against us. It's more like a free for all. Instead of working with Congresswoman Whitaker to destroy the Royal Four, Courtney claims to be a supporter of Michael's. As in, He-Shoulda-Been-King Michael. Although how he'd get a crown on that crazy hair of his...

But that's irrelevant. An interesting mental picture, but irrelevant.

Although they don't quite trust her, the HairDuo pump Skin-Stalker-Skank for information. They not only get the lowdown on the homeworld's political situation and the whole "Skins" bio-tech stuff, but discover that their friends are in real danger so they hop into the Jetta and do the cavalry thing. Although it is Michael who saves Isabel, it is Courtney's quick thinking that both ruins the next harvest of "Skin" husks and allows Max, Liz, and Tess to escape the clutches of the baddies.

Which means that despite the extra husk that Michael snagged for her, Courtney might as well be walking around wearing a red shirt for however many episodes she has left. And my prediction for the girl, besides a grisly, but heroic death, is that she expires in Michael's arms while everyone else gets all teary-eyed.

Except Maria. 'Cause Courtney, despite being all self-sacrificing and the like, is still a boyfriend-stealing ho.

Although the skanky Courtney plays a big part in defeating the rebel-"Skins", true to form, it is still left up to the -ehr boys to save their damsels in distress. Why is it that Isabel has the power to send Congresswoman Whitaker to her maker, but when confronted by some punk-kid alien, she can't even lift a finger in her own defense? Why does it take so long for Max's bride to kick in some of her own power into the alien defense shield? Why does Liz just lay there like a log with no brain?

That last question is rhetorical, by the way. I know why.

It's scenes like that that make me glad the producers of Roswell decided to steal Liz's Latino ethnicity. Her being that dumb and that ineffective that frequently would be tons more shameful than the cruel misuse of one of the sweetest, most romantic traditions belonging to my culture in “The End Of The World”.

Or rather ex-culture, `cause, you know, I had to give it up last week because of this show.

-- Linda M. Najera

Roswell airs Monday nights at 9pm EST on The WB.

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