Humanity sucks.

People are selfish, no one cares about anyone else's survival, and we're all just looking out for Number One. Numbers One and Two, tops.

That was as true in 1951 as it is today.

See, back then there was this planet called Zyra, orbiting a sun called Bellus, and these two heavenly bodies decided to come to our solar system for a little gravity-destabilising visit. And you know what that means, of course.

The end of the world.

Meet, then, our intrepid hero, pilot David Randall, who is hired to fly his itty-bitty model plane to the States with some secret, as yet undisclosed, information. His plane lands, and that's when he meets the babe. Her name is Joyce Hendron, and she is, naturally, the daughter of the scientist to whom the package must be delivered. Joyce assumes that ol' Dave is in on the secret (whatever that could be), and takes him to her father. It is there, while playing along, Tea Leoni-style, that Davey learns that he had been courier to the results of calculations that could confirm Dr. Hendron's apocalyptic fears.

And lest we think that the movie was accidentally mistitled, Dr. Hendron somberly tells us: "There is no error."

DA DUM!

Flash forward, and a UN subcommittee, or somesuch, are being told that the world is about to end, and that the only hope for survival is in the building of a super-huge rocket-ship to send a select few to sanctuary on the planet Zyra as it passes. They, skeptical bastards, don't believe a word of it. Nasty millionaire industrialist, Sydney Stanton, does, however, and pledges to fund the building of the spaceship that will save the human race by taking... er... forty people to Zyra. Now if a lifetime of watching Sci-Fi has taught me anything, it is that forty people do not a viable gene pool make.

But we'll let that pass.

Trials and tribulations abound. The truth is finally made obvious (even to the dimwitted French ambassador guy, one assumes) and it is apparent to all that their idyllic, fifties, Doris Day world is doomed. Anarchy ensues. We then see people at their very worst -- and you haven't seen people at their worst until you've seen them attempting to riot while wearing slacks and cardigans.

But, of course, after the evil millionaire is punished and the obligatory self-sacrifice has taken place, the ship finally takes off. Does it land on Zyra? Is the air there be perfectly breathable for humans and their livestock? Do Joyce and Dave get it together?

What do you think?

WWC (an abbreviation that evokes images of scary people in leotards -- I won't be using that again) stars practically no one you've ever heard of (unless you're such a Trekkie that you recognise Dr. Philip Boyce on sight -- or you're a serious 7th Heaven fan.) This is a movie full of disaster movie clichés, before they were yet clichés. There's the young lovers, torn apart and reunited. There's the evilness of the rich guy. There's the notion that no one over the age of fifty can possibly be useful to society. And there's a dog! A little boy and his little dog, and they... they... oh my god, they don't die!

When Worlds Collide is a Science Fiction Classic. Don't just take my word for it. It's on the front of the video box. Says it right there. It even won the Oscar for its "spectacular" special effects -- despite the worst matte painting background in the history of the world. What, did they hire the kids from the local kindergarten?

Although, when the tidal wave hit, and those teetering sticks were washed away by the vengeful, torrential, unstoppable bucketful of water, it was very spectacular indeed.

But I should not mock. After all, we all owe a great debt of gratitude to this movie. Without it, we might not now have the wonders of ID4, Armageddon and Deep Impact, and all of our lives would be infinitely the poorer.

Apocalyptic movies put our lives in perspective. Careers, possessions, those new shoes we can't afford, trying to get laid -- all formerly life-and-death concerns pale before the possibility, be it ever so remote, that it could one day be us running for our lives, engulfed by a wall of water, or forced to decide between saving the life of a child or a cat.

Hmm... a tough one, that. Thank God I have time to think about it.

At least until New Years Eve, anyway.

DROOL FACTOR: Though it pains me to think about what he looks like now (actually, I think he's dead) Richard Derr, who plays the debonair South African pilot David Randall, is sexy and charismatic enough to even pull off the brown outfits. And that voice! Yum.

GROSS OUT FACTOR: Um... well, I find twinsets creepy. And don't even get me started on Bryll Cream.

STRONG CHICK FACTOR: Well, Joyce, I guess. Considering it's the fifties, she actually comes out of this pretty well. And as one of only forty people left at the end of the movie, she's bound to be the best damn glorified secretary there is!

-- Rachel Hyland

When Worlds Collide is currently available on video.

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