Use the Force, Luke
The religion in genre and the genre religion.
      by Rachel Hyland

Sinners! Blasphemers! Infidels, heathens and heretics! Hearken to me, all, and learn of the One True Way. The only path to redemption, righteousness, and everlasting bliss. The foolproof (or full-profit) method to get healthy, get wealthy, and get laid. Subscribe to the Church of Rachel, and see your dreams come true. If not in this life, then certainly in the next. (Or possibly the one after that.) Send money now! (No happiness, refunds, or actual doctrine guaranteed.)

Deep Space Nine's Vedek Bareil, continuing the fine tradition of fine holy men.

No, you say? Why not? Prostrate yourself before me and beg forgiveness, peon!

Oh, if only it were so easy to become your own god. To set yourself up as the arbiter of all that is good, and right, and noble and cool. If only one could just write a book spelling out the tenets of his or her "religion," sell them at a cover price of a mere, say, $7.99 (plus appropriate sales tax), and then call upon the worthy, the chosen, and the gullible to contribute heavily. But, well, let's get realistic. There's no way something like that could happen in this world...

Oh, wait.

But first, a disclaimer. Since I have no wish to be targeted for death, bulk e-mail, or a sudden raid of my financial records ('cause those embezzled 11th Hour millions aren't nearly as well buried as I'd like), I feel it prudent to say at this juncture that I love Scientology. I think it's groovy. It's the funniest religion ever, and that is saying a big ol' something. In fact, I was within an Ames ace of becoming a Scientologist once. I read the book, saw the movie, took the tests and heard about how gosh-darned perfect my life would become. But then they showed me the payment plan, and I realized it was way out of my league. Embezzled 11th Hour millions notwithstanding.

But at the same time, I gotta say, it's... well, freaky. They realize, all those tax-evading stars, that their religion was created by a Science Fiction author, right? And not just that, but a bad Science Fiction author. I mean, why not just go and try to find the door into Xanth in order to start spouting really bad dialogue and be completely disrespectful to women? Why not just give up all pretense of a functional life and worship at the altar of Rand, the prophesied Dragon Reborn that just won't go away? Hell, you'd be better off picking a religion -- any religion -- from Star Trek, and just running with it.

Klingon religion turns out to be just as scary as Klingons are.

Although, that didn't quite work out for me, either.

Shall I tell you about it? You're sure? 'Cause it's an awfully interesting story... okay, you talked me into it. See, there was this race on Star Trek: The Next Generation, the Edo, and their religion involved having lots and lots of uninhibited sex at any hour of the day and night. Of course, you take a religion like that and involve it with being in a world not entirely populated with random beautiful extras, and things can get kinda irksome. (I kid. Actually, my world is entirely populated with random beautiful extras.) Another flaw in this magical mythology was that it ultimately resulted in the near execution of Wesley Crusher (Wil Wheaton, whom I love and adore), and that is just wrong enough to warrant a holy crusade against them. (Ah, Crusade. I miss that show.)

Another Trek-inspired religion I flirted with for a time was that of the Klingons, 'cause apparently they have no devil and have a rocking afterlife full of bloodwine and fighting and the eating of live worms. But then I remembered I don't like any of that stuff, and gave it up as fast as Worf gets overpowered in a fight by a clearly inferior foe. I was also intrigued by the Bajoran religion, as often tediously featured on Deep Space Nine -- 'cause of the pretty jewelry, and the hunky Vedeks -- but that bitch of a Kai Winn turned me right off. (Nothing convinces you that a religion is dodgy so much as knowing that its leader slept with Gul Dukat.) The Vulcan's logic-based theology has always fascinated me, as well, but only for the fact that their passion for logic is entirely illogical and thus they are illogical and so is their logic. (I love that stuff. The fact that you can believe that I Can't Believe it's Not Butter is not butter likewise kills me.)

One time in Star Trek (well, in that mockery of Star Trek that was Star Trek V: Shatner's a Moron), they even went a'searching for God. The real God. The only God. It's my understanding, however, that He's all omnipresent and such. But they went all the way to the center of the galaxy to locate him, anyway. And what did they find there? (Hint: not God.) Jeez, and their first clue was when he wanted to use the Enterprise as a taxi? Man, that Vulcan logic sucks. And did you know Vulcans only have sex every seven years, and if they don't get some then, they die? Live long and prosper, my a... uh, ears. If I were a Vulcan I'd always be looking at my watch going: "Is it 2394 yet?"

Of course, it is one of the main functions of religion to force its adherents into some form of sexual behavior. Not enough, too much, only on Sundays, only with the clergy, only for the production of little brainwashed disciples of whomever. But that's just nonsense! Why did God -- anyone's god -- make it so fun if it was a big sin? That's not the smart kind of God I want to have taking care of my Master Plan. (How come there are no Mistress Plans? And why is "mistress" such a borderline dirty word and "master" is so respectable? It's a big conspiracy. To counter-act this, we should all employ the "bater" suffix, Xander-style. Uh. Not that there's necessarily anything wrong with bating...)

What was my subject again, please? For the love of God! Oh, that's right. I was talking about the love of God. How if He, he, She, she or they love us (which I've heard they do... plus, I got a Valentine from them all one year), they wouldn't want us to suffer. Like they make all those angels suffer, as Kevin Smith's Dogma so graphically illustrated.

Poor angels. If you believe in angels....

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