The X-Files
"Patience"

Airdate: November 19, 2000

Scully and Doggett walk the street at night, just trying to get it right.

As has been proven in seasons past, He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named just loves to show off his love of classic literature. "Talitha Cumi", a late third-season episode which aired right before that great shark took its final, painful jump, had a storyline swiped straight from Dostoyevsky (and, now that I think about it, probably Duchovny); "Milagro", a godawful sixth-season episode, was so zealous in its classical appreciation that it not only cited deceased greats like the Bard, but buried living greats like J.D. Salinger, whose gravestone was featured in the background of one scene. "Post-Modern Prometheus", still the big kahuna of He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named suckdom, transformed Mary Shelley's Frankenstein myth into the parable of an unpunished rapist who grooves to Cher.

Given this damning evidence, we probably shouldn't be too surprised that He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named's latest source of inspiration seems to be the Weekly World News.

Strangely, when I heard that "Patience" was to be both a He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named episode and the tale of a Murderous Man-Bat, I actually had hope. HWMNBM is generally at his best when not aiming particularly high; the creation of The Flukeman probably stands as his greatest solo accomplishment to date, and similarly pulpy subject matter seemed to suggest a certain groundedness. Needless to say, my expectations were at rock bottom, and yet... I was still disappointed. How can that be?

"Just a little patience... yea-ah..."

Na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-BAT-MAN!!!

Sorry. That just happens sometimes.

Throughout the P.W.E. (Post-Wong Era), the X-Files has usually managed to retain its rapidly dissipating audience by bringing on that old standby, Vince Gilligan, moderately early in the season. Remember in 1997, as audiences, still scratching their heads over the nonsensical "Redux II", were greeted with the delights of "The Unusual Suspects", and were reassured that, yes, this series still did rule? Remember how deluded we were? Anyway, airing "Patience" -- this year's "Alpha" or "Agua Mala" in terms of how Deadly Dull Monster of the Weeks go -- so early in the Mulderless season was a decision I suspect He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named will soon regret, if he is still capable of such things.

"Patience" finds Scully and Doggett dispatched on their first real X-File, the case of a mysterious Man-Bat terrorizing the citizens of a small, island community (populated, in true HWMNBM form, by Idiotic Rural Hicks) in an attempt to seek revenge on the hunter that killed it forty years ago. Scully and Doggett figure this out because the entire case was documented in a newspaper years before. Pretty exciting stuff, eh? Of course, even this simplistic plot is riddled with holes from beginning to end, but its not so much illogical as it is plain dull. HWMNBM's later episodes are generally so offensive and pretentious that they are always interesting, if in an infuriating way, but "Patience" finds him lost in "Space" territory. I suppose I should be grateful that X-Files has toned down the misogyny and arrogance that dominated the last few years, but this safer series sure is a bore.

"No, I agree... we can't really get any lower."

The most interesting stuff, of course, had to do with Mulder, who was completely absent for the first time this year. Watching eighth-season X-Files, I'm reminded of all that feeling I'd get whenever Brandon would get a letter postmarked from London, England, containing the missing 90210er's adventures in the theater, or, even more gloriously, with the tragically absent Dylan. It's sad when the most fascinating aspects of a series revolve around an absent character, but Mulder is this year's Brenda Walsh. Watching the incompetent "Patience", I realized how much Duchovny was able to salvage even the worst scripts with flashes of wit, intelligence, and sexual tension. Gillian Anderson and Robert Patrick are both great actors, but they lack the chemistry and the charm to keep X-Files even tolerable. And the episode's final scene, involving Scully placing Mulder's nameplate away in a drawer, was the most ominous yet -- out of sight, out of mind, HWMNBM seems to be saying, but I suspect such will not be the case for the disillusioned X-Files audience.

Holy Steaming Pit of Suckdom, Man-Bat. This is going to be a long season.

-- Sarah Kendzior

The X-Files airs at 9pm EST/8pm MNT, Sundays on Fox.

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